Why you should ignore the BDSM “experts”, as told by a BDSM “expert”

BDSM experts, they’re something which I hear of time and time again and their very existence makes me cringe. So what is a BDSM “expert”, and why do I suggest that you ignore them?

When we hear the term “expert”, we immediately imagine someone with degrees or a whole field of knowledge and experience in an area. We believe that this is someone that we should look up to, acknowledge and respect beyond all reasonable doubt. They are, afternall, an “expert” in their field.

But what if I told you, after nearly 13 years of experience, that I am still nowhere near close to becoming an “expert” in BDSM?

You see, being a BDSM expert would imply that I have a broad range of knowledge or experience in domination, submission, rope bondage, spanking, flogging, wax play, CBT and a host of many other things.

What do I really have experience and knowledge in? Safe sex, sensation play and wax play. That’s it.

If you want advice on contracts, I’d tell you to focus on your relationship an and come up with some rules and agreements that work around you and your partner. If you want my advice on rope bondage and knots, I could advise you on some of my preferred books by people who are knowledgeable in these fields. But even after these 12+ years, I am not a BDSM expert. Even though I am passionate about BDSM, I simply don’t know everything.

It really concerns me when I see young men and women, some of them younger than me, proclaiming themselves to be “BDSM experts”. What gives them this “expert” knowledge that others simply don’t have? What gives them the right to proclaim intellect over anybody else in this field?

I feel that I need to point out to you two key areas to consider here:

There are no diplomas and there is no Master nor Sensei in BDSM.

So what, then,does it come down to? Are these “experts” being taught by “experts”? A sort of ouroboros of hand-me-down experience and sometimes shitty opinions of BDSM?

Are these “experts” also the people who appear regularly in GUM clinics because they have hew partners frequently? (Not that I am in any way condoning those who get tested regularly, of course!)

Are these “experts” people who have somehow done everything once in the same few short years and decided that they are now experts because they have tried absolutely everything? (NB. I guarantee they haven’t).

What these so-called “experts” teach is simply their knowledge and ¬†experience, exactly the same as me.

If you want me to tell you about my experiences with scratching or biting or tickling, then I will gladly share my knowledge with you and hope that it will inspire you. What I will not do, however, is tell you exactly what you should do, other than basic safety precautions. How hard you bite or where you tickle is all up to you.

When I started out in the BDSM community, I was fortunate enough to speak with a man who gave me one piece of resounding (and damning) advice;

“Don’t listen to the experts, there aren’t any. They can’t have done everything.”

What concerns me the most is some of the perceptions that some of these “experts” give to the newcomers. For example:


1. If you aren’t complacent and obedient, then you aren’t really a submissive.
2. If you aren’t strict, then you’re not being Dominant.
3. No Dominant wants a brat. Brats are bad and undesirable submissives.
4. If you don’t have a contract then it’s not a BDSM relationship.
5. If you’re an owned submissive, then your orgasms belong to your Dominant. If you don’t agree then you aren’t being a good submissive.
6. If you are a submissive, you should treat all Dominants with respect and superiority, even those who don’t own you.

That’s not to say that all “experts” hold these opinions, but they are definitely some of the most common ones that I have come across.

So what does a BDSM “expert” advise you to do?

In my humble opinion, my best and only advice is to talk and READ. If you are interested in something, Google it, read up on it, find people who have done it and talk to them about their experiences. Gather knowledge and work through it. Don’t rely on the knowledge and experience of one “expert”, depend on the shared knowledge and experiences of many.

Stay safe & have fun!

Hugs & kinky Cuddles,

Elena xxx

6 thoughts on “Why you should ignore the BDSM “experts”, as told by a BDSM “expert”

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  1. I love your comments – especially about “Experts”. Allegedly, I am an “Expert” in my Profession (now Retired, but still a Consultant, usually pro bono). I HATED that term. To me, “Ex” means something ‘Past’, or ‘No longer’; as for “Perts”, I tend to use the “S” letter in front, and that give the word “Spert” … which is rather like “Spurt”, i.e. something that was ejaculated. So, “Expert” is just something ejaculated (could be ‘spit’, but you know I don’t mean that !) and lying around. Pauline xx

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    1. Pauline, I love it! So kind of a past ejaculation then? I think that’s how I shall know such people from now on! Best regards. Elena xx

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      1. Thank you. It’s good to denigrate “Experts”. They probably cause a great deal of trouble – after all, who would argue with an Expert ? But a ‘Past Ejaculation’ – you just have to laugh. Pauline xx

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      2. The attitude of some of these exp.. ahem.. past ejaculations is diabolical. Some of them are no older than myself (a tender 30) which begs to wonder where they got this wealth of so-called “expert” knowledge from. Were they born wielding a whip? Surely not! Best Regards, Elena xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh, how I wish that I was 30, again. But I’d love to know what I know now – I can understand George Bernard Shaw (“Youth is wasted on the Young”).
        But to answer your ‘question’ – NO, they were certainly not born wielding a whip (although the idea appeals right now !). Best Wishes, Pauline xx

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      4. Pauline, with my back aching like it does (probably too much hard chair!) I can safely say that I feel about 60 myself. I’m definitely wise beyond my years, probably half the reason I started this blog, that, and wanting to share and help people. Wouldn’t it be funny if we could just be born with all of the tools needed and knowing our interests? It might have saved me 6 years of trying to learn to crochet! Best regards, Elena xx

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