Do You Need To Be Obedient To Be A Submissive?

It breaks my heart when I see people, good men and women, being told that they are not good submissives. I (and many people like me) have been told that they are too cheeky, too fat, too talkative, too disobedient, I could go on. But what does it really mean to be a submissive? We’ll be exploring that today.

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you’ll know that the submissive partner is the partner who follows the rule of the other, but there are several kinds of submissive and they are not all the same. For example, you could have:-

  • A sexual submissive- A submissive who provides sexual favours to their Dominant
  • A service-oriented submissive – A submissive who completes tasks according to their Dominant’s instructions
  • A slave – Similar to a submissive, but a slave is usually considered as “owned” by the Dominant, and his/her body belongs to them. The slave typically has no will or say, unlike a submissive.
  • A masochist – A submissive who particularly enjoys receiving pain and humiliation from the Dominant (a sadist)
  • A Little/Middle – A submissive who enjoys acting like a child with a Dominant who acts like a parent (a Daddy/Mommy)
  • A pet- A submissive who is treated like an animal by the Dominant, such as like a dog, cat, pony, pig etc
  • Brats, Break-Me’s & Smart-Ass Masochists – These submissives really are the naughty boys and girls among. They have no intention of coming quietly and will need a firm and robust Dominant that can handle them. A lot of the time, these submissives wants to be broken and tamed (at least somewhat), they just need a Dominant who can handle them.

What kind of submissive you are does not matter here. What matters is that you are the one who chooses or desires to give up control to your partner.

But what if I am too cheeky?

There is a broad misconception that all submissives, regardless of type, should be meek, quiet and obey the Dominant’s every word, first time and without argument. This is wrong. There are some Dominants who want, like and even seek a naughty, cheeky, bratty submissive because it encourages them to grow. An obedient submissive is good for a while but then it gets dull. When you have a submissive who is playful, feisty and finds new ways to inject some humour into the dynamic, those are the kinds of people that many of us stick around for.

It is important to note that there is a time and a place for being cheeky or silly. For example, if you are performing a wax scene with your Dominant, it’s probably not wise to try and spank them in case you knock the candle out of their hand and set the carpet on fire. Some Dominants also don’t want a submissive who misbehaves, for example, by blowing the candle out.

My Dominant is too serious, what can I do?

So you and your partner have decided to play, but now he or she has come down really harsh and strict on you and now you’re not sure what to do. Ultimately, you have two options.

The first is to negotiate. Negotiate some ground rules, perhaps, a warning system so that you don’t get punished from the offset. TEWTS (Tell, Explain, Warn, Threaten, Spank) is a common method in this case for dealing with brats and playful submissives without seeming too overbearing with control. Also have faith and patience. If your partner is new to the BDSM scene, they may think that they need to be strict and relentless in order to be a good Dominant. A lot of new Dominants start out being very uptight and in control at the beginning, and relax and allow for more humour as time goes on.

The second option is to accept that you may not be compatible and seek a Dominant partner elsewhere. You may agree to explore the polyamorous lifestyle for this, or you may decide to give up on your relationshop altogether.

My submissive is too obedient, what can I do?

Ahh, Doms, I get it. You’ve got yourself a submissive and you were hoping for someone fun and cheeky and bratty, but now you’ve heard “yes Mistress” for the 642nd time today and you’re bored of it. You want a change of scenery, a change of tune, but what can you do?

Fortunately, as the Dominant, you can find things that make your submissive partner giggle or laugh. For example, you could try tickling the soles of their feet or you could simply talk to them. You could also negotiate an activity that they must do for you, for example, watch 12 episodes of Monty Python. They’ll either laugh hysterically or they’ll laugh forcibly to get out of it. It’s a win-win, isn’t it?

My Dominant wants me to change myself for them. What do I do?

This is something which should be taken very, very seriously, but sadly it does happen and quite often it happens to people who don’t want it to happen, but don’t realise that they are being abused.

You should only ever change yourself because YOU want to.

If, for example, you want to lose weight, you could negotiate a restricted diet with your Dominant which helps you to do so. If you want to be more outgoing, you could agree with your Dominant to part-take in activities which enable you to be around new people.

However, I have also experienced and heard of incidences where submissives were expected to undertake extreme personal changes for the happiness of the Dominant. For example:-

  • Cosmetic surgery, including boob jobs, nose jobs, lip fillers and mole removal
  • Hormone Therapy – To reduce testosterone and make a male submissive appear more feminine, or vice versa
  • Undertake minor body modifications, such as changing hair colour or getting a piercing, in order to please the Dominant
  • Taking up personally undesirable behaviours, such as overeating, under eating, smoking or taking drugs. for the Dominant’s pleasure
  • Changing the submissive’s behaviour, even if they don’t wish to

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have been asked to undertake any of these activities and do not wish to do so, but are being instructed, coerced or forced to for the pleasure of the dominant;


This is ABUSE.

The only time you should change anything about yourself is because you want to. If your Dominant asks if you would consider it and you agree to it, then that is consent. but if you feel forced or pressured in any way, then you should probably think about terminating things.

Remember, stay safe, play safe and have fun – always!

Hugs & Kinky cuddles

Elena xxx

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