Is BDSM Without Sex Even Possible?

A dear friend of mine recently put a very poignant scenario to me. He pointed out that, usually and for many people, BDSM is a part of foreplay or a part of sex.

Thnk about it, we see it in porn, we saw it in Fifty Shades of Grey, wherever you look, BDSM and sex are usually closely linked, but are they really synonymous with each other?

The short answer to that is a clear NO.

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. The S does not stand for sex, there is no guaranteed kinky fuckery.

If you choose to sleep with whoever you tie up and whip, or are tied up and whipped by, then that is entirely up to you. That said, there are many, many people who do not entwine BDSM with sex.

For many people, myself included, BDSM is purely about touch and sensation rather than sex. It is about connecting with our partner through our actions and words, rather than about getting off.

If you want your scenes to involve sex, that is something that you and your partner need to negotiate. You need to be clear and concise about what is and what is not acceptable to you. Either party also has a right to say yes or no to any act, and if either party says no, it means no. A submissive must not be coerced into any kind of sex act simply for the sakes that they are submissive. if either party says no, it’s off. There is no small print which renders it up for discussion. If you decide that you only want or will part take in certain sex acts, you need to be clear about that also.

For some Doms and Dommes, BDSM is a change from their everyday lives. It is a chance to stop being the underdog and start taking some control. It is a chance to make the decisions and have some control over a situation, at least for a little while.

And as for some submissives who sometimes have very demanding jobs which gives them a lot of say and control, it is a chance to relinquish that control. It is a chance to let somebody else do the decision-making and embrace the inner peace that comes with it. Many of us fall into a deeply relaxed state and may even fall asleep afterwards, which isn’t very sexy- unless of course that’s your thing.

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