A perfect Dominant is something that every submissive desires. Unfortunately, a perfect submissive is also something that most Dominants desire, and not all of us meet that “perfect” grade that our desirable partners seek. When we realise this, it can be rather crushing.
There is a lot of shaming of fake or bad Dominants on the web, but nobody has ever really pointed out the mistakes that some submissives make. I am not a Dominant anymore, but as a humiliatrix for 4 years have seen and experienced some of the mistakes that prospective submissives make which can really turn prospective Dominants off.
My list is by no means exhaustive, but if you’re guilty of one of these, it could help you to re-evaluate your behaviour when searching for a partner within the BDSM community.
1. You demand your desired Dominant’s time and attention
If you feel the need to call or message the Dominant of your desires on an hourly or repeated basis, please don’t. It’s creepy and stalkerish and it can grate on them really, really quickly. Don’t pounce on them as soon as they appear on Facebook, either. That’s equally creepy.
2. You only talk about the kinks and desires that really interest you
I get it, it’s totally okay to have a fetish or a kink that really, really turns you on, but chances are good your desired Dominant has some that they want to talk about, too. Make sure you do the speaking and the listening in equal measures.
3. You address your desired Dominant as Sir/Ma’am/ or Master/Mistress ALL. THE. TIME
Your desired Dominant is a person, and people have everyday lives involving family, friends and jobs. Spare them the awkward conversations and use their first name unless otherwise instructed to do so, please.
4. You use titles before you have been asked
If your desired Dominant has other submissives, they may have worked really hard to be allowed to address your desired Dominant by their chosen title. Even if they don’t have a partner, addressing them as anything other than their name (without permission) is presumptuous and disrespectful. Ask for a name, most Dominants are perfectly reasonable people.
5 You only talk about kink
Similar to one of my points above, your desired Dominant is a person, and people have hobbies, tastes and interests outside of kink. Put kink aside and talk to them as you would a friend or a date. Treating them as a person first will get you remembered later on.
6. You only message your desirable Dominant when you want to get off
One of the most disrespectful things you can do to a Dominant is to only message them when you’re feeling frisky. Doing so will make them feel cheap and used and will most likely see you shown the door. How would you feel if a member of the opposite sex only messaged you because they needed desperately to get laid? The same applies.
7. You send nudes unexpectedly
Akin to the above, nobody wants to receive unsolicited nudes. You might be proud of your penis or think your breasts are beautiful, but your Dominant does not want your genitals randomly appearing on their phone screen in the middle of a conference meeting. Spare them the shame and ask if you can send them first.
8. You ask for instructions from someone you aren’t playing with
“What can I do for you, mistress?” used to grace my inbox more often than I care to count, and nearly always from men that I was not involved with at the time. If you haven’t discussed kinks, interests, desires, lifestyles and limitations, how can you expect your desired Dominant to give you any satisfying instructions? Moreover, your desired Dominant might not be in Domspace (and could even be very stressed or tired) which may lead them to not best meeting your needs.
9. You rush into talking about a 24/7 lifestyle (or worse, you talk about “forever”)
Many, many submissives have an image of a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle, where they meet their Dominants every need and get whipped, punished and humiliated daily if they fail to meet expectations. The real world is not like this, and most of being in a 24/7 dynamic involves very routine and “normal” activities. Your desired Dominant may not seek a 24/7 live-in submissive, or they may not envision long-term ownership just yet.
To further clarify on this point, back in my days as a Dominant woman, I met a young man who yearned for the 24/7 lifestyle. On our second meet he was so keen that he mentioned marriage and asked me to collar him by the river. When I told him that we were quite possibly not a match, he stalked me online for 16 months. It took the threat of a restraining order for me to see the back of him. Don’t be that person, please.
10. You waste their time
Don’t message a Dominant who is looking for a real-time relationship if you’re only seeking something online. It is incredibly frustrating to think and plan activities for a dynamic that you later discover was only meant to happen over the internet and that the submissive you really valued is too scared to even meet for a regular ol’ coffee. If you’re only looking for something online, make sure that it is understood by the other person, too.
11. You don’t respect yourself
If you believe that you are so worthless you should be punished and abused, sometimes that screams unhealthy thinking habits. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of Dominants don’t want a submissive who believes they are worthless, they want a submissive who brings a unique set of skills that they can use and benefit from. Are you a good writer, an excellent chef or a handyman? These are (first and foremost, anyway) the sorts of skills that a potential Dominant wants to know about.
12. You don’t have any or many limits
If you tell a Dominant that you don’t have any limits, it’s a MAJOR red flag. Would you let them chop off your finger and sacrifice it to the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Would you let them choke you until you pass out and shit on your lifeless body? If you said no, then you have limits. (PS. if you said yes, then I wish you well, my friend!)
Want to better your chances of being noticed? Try these 12 tips
If you’re looking for some pointers on the kinds of things that a potential Dominant wants in a prospective submissive, then look no further. Here are some pointers for things you can do to impress a potential Dominant.
1, Treat them like a person first and a Dominant second, always
Begin a conversation with “Hi, how are you?” rather than asking for instructions. Ask for their name, smile and make eye contact. Compliment them. There are some ways you can make it towards the top of their list.
2. Communicate clearly
If you only seek an online dynamic, say so. If you’re seeking a live-in arrangement, communicate that (but avoid saying “with you”, which again would be creepy.). If you have no experience, tell them. Communication is oh so important in BDSM dynamics.
3. Ask questions
Ask about their hobbies, their interests, their kinks. Get to know them, both as a person and as a potential Dominant partner.
4. Get to know yourself
What are you? What do you like? What do you do? Remember, a potential Dominant will want to know you, too.
5. Get to know your strengths
What do you have to offer a potential Dominant? Think of this as being a bit like a job interview where your position depends on what you can do well. So, what can you do well that would benefit your “employer”?
6. Look after yourself
A potential Dominant will want you to represent them, and if you look shabby and homeless, it says a lot about their tastes in partners. Shower often, dress presentably, wash and brush your hair and clean your teeth. The more respectable you look, the more respectable your Dominant will look, too.
7. Respect your potential Dominant’s limits
Something that I was never willing to do was pegging. Simply put, even though I enjoyed humiliating and scratching my partners, I just had no desire to stick a dildo up a man’s anal orifice. All partners- Dominants, submissives and switches- have limits, and those limits must always, ALWAYS be respected.
8. Give them some space
Like we discussed above, your desired Dominant is first and foremost a person, and people have lifestyles and interests. Allow your desired Dominant space to be a person first and they may make time for you later.
9. Complete (or have a look at) a BDSM checklist
If you haven’t already had a look at one, you can find my version here. Print it out, fill it out and carefully consider the activities as you do. Doing so will help you become aware of your limits which you can discuss with your Dominant later on.
10. Ask for references
Most people who have been involved with the BDSM community for any length of time will have names of people who have played with them, or at least know of them, and can vouch for things like safety, honesty and authenticity. Ask your desired Dominant for references. If they don’t have any or don’t want to give them out, consider that as a huge red flag.
11. Be willing to negotiate
Chances are good that your perfect Dominant might actually have a few rust patches, are you willing to overlook them? Perhaps your fetish need of chastity is only a “meh” to them and they don’t share the same enthusiasm that you do, or maybe they want you to dress a certain way in public that you’ve never considered before. Be willing to talk, listen and negotiate to on desires and needs from the relationship.
12. Be prepared to accept that you might not be their cup of tea
Sadly, like in life, it’s not often that we run off into the sunset with the first person we meet, and the BDSM lifestyle is no different. Your desired Dominant may have a legitimate reason, like desiring someone who is more masochistic or not wanting (or wanting, if you’re only seeking occasional play) a live-in partner. If that happens to you, take heart that it is not a reflection of you, and don’t lose faith in the BDSM community. Work on these 12 pointers, and you’ll find the Dominant of your dreams in no time.
Good luck, stay safe and have fun.
Hugs and kinky cuddles,