Many relationship experts will tell you that in a marriage, you should never, ever go to bed angry. No matter what, always, always kiss and make up before you go to sleep. Well, that wasn’t us, at least, not this time.
“I thought you came?!”
“What? No! I mean, I enjoyed it. But I didn’t.. you know..”
That was it, silence. I recoiled in shame and agony, my stomach pain a reminder of my inability to unfurl in synchronised orgasmic victory. I had enjoyed it, I absolutely and 100% enjoyed it, I just hadn’t seen my own orgasmic bliss.
The night was cold, it was icy. He fell asleep angry at me, and I stayed awake, wiping away the tears and angry at him. This is not it, this is not how it should be. I resolved to writing in my journal, sparing no feelings about the hurt and anger that I felt at his apparent insensitivity and lavishing in my most audacious desires. If he could experience sexual bliss with little or no regard for my feelings, then damn it, I could do the same to him.
I eventually fell asleep at about 2:30am.
In the morning, my mood was understandably different. Gone was that torturous pain in my stomach and I felt refreshed and awake. I no longer hated him, I felt sad for him, sad for us – an argument like this wasn’t like us. I resolved to playing with my phone for a while, but absolutely in no way was I going to text him. I mean, it’s only 7:52am, and I absolutely can still be mad at him.
I led on our bed for a while and played with my phone. I checked the news, Facebook, my emails, all the normal drills, but no good morning for him I wouldn’t be the one who, sans an orgasm that wasn’t given my my own wrist, was prepared to give him a good morning greeting first. Nope, as the only person who seemingly cared about me, the only person who would get a “good morning” from me, was me. Period!
WhatsApp pinged up on my phone.
Good morning, Kitten
Damn it, I sighed. Even when he is an obnoxious, self-centred bellend, it’s impossible to stay angry at him for long.
Ha! That would teach him, not Sir, not Wolfie, not Daddy. Just a plain, simple and curt “good morning”, the way he’d undoubtedly greeted his colleagues at 5am on this miserable and rainy Monday morning.
What’s up, love?
Oh nothing, I’m just ambivalent after last night.
My phone went quiet, frustrated and confused, I tossed it on the bed and returned to my laptop. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the blinking purple light, another message.
Hmm… good word. I know what you mean, though
Well that was more understanding than anything I’d felt since the late evening.
I’m good with my hands and mouth, my dear. For my extensive vocabulary, I mean.
An icebreaker. Just that little joke got us talking, got us reflecting and got us accepting a unanimous truth – neither of us wanted to go back there!
Time and time again, relationship experts argue against going to bed angry, but sometimes, it’s exactly what you need to do. Maybe you really are too tired to think of a solution or maybe your partner would be much calmer after some self-lovin’. Whatever it is, know that it’s absolutely, 100% okay to sleep on an argument.
Of course, there need to be some hard and fast rules for that:
- As much as possible, don’t get out of bed and sleep elsewhere. It’s one thing to have an argument and not be able to resolve it at 2am, it’s a whole different ballgame to leave the one you love feeling abandoned and alone in bed. Even the smallest double can feel overwhelmingly large when the one you love gets up and leaves it on a whim.
2. Make sure that, somehow, you reconvene and talk the next day. I don’t care if you have work or kids or other responsibilities, your relationship should not come last on your list.
3. Don’t do what I did in the heat of the moment and play power games. The can cause heartache in the long run and they seldom achieve your objective.
4. For BDSM couples, never, ever say anything about your dynamic in anger. Never ever tell your partner that they are a worthless submissive or a shit Dom/me, EVER. Absolutely no excuses.
5. Apologise for your part of the argument and be willing to listen and discuss, always.
6. Finally, if, like ours, your differences come down to sex, make sure you work together to find an acceptable solution. If it’s just a one-off like in our case, then you might just want to… err.. fly solo, but if it’s a bigger issue that has been going on for a while, make sure you talk and agree a solution that works for you both or consider seeing a sex therapist, if necessary.
Stay well, and remember, don’t be afraid to sleep on your problems if you need to.
Hugs & kinky cuddles,