It’s a cool, dark evening here in Bristol. It’s dark outside and Sir is watching TV. The smell of curry wafts around the room and various items litter every surface. Tonight is playtime, or at least, it should have been.
Today has been a long, arduous, painful day. It started off with every intention to get some writing done, and ended with a lot of freaking out, and not much to show for it at all.
When I sat down to reply to one of my SLOWLY penpals, a text message pinged onto my screen. My tribunal hearing for Personal Independence Payment was finally here and it was booked for two weeks time, and I would need to appear in court.
Almost immediately, my mind filled with thoughts of courtrooms, with judges and benches and wigs and gowns. My blog became my last thought and I started to question everything about me, who I am and how my disabilities affect me. The assessor didn’t believe me, how the hell would a judge believe me? It’s too easy to forget that these people are independent, and they are there to help you get the help that you deserve.
Halfway through replying to my penpal, my doorbell went – my neighbour, wanting me to find him a free relationship mediation service for him and his now ex-girlfriend so that they can sort out the arrangements for his daughter.
Stressed out, frustrated and annoyed, I returned to my computer. The doorbell went again, the postlady! With a big box for me. My new, wonderful, detachable handle saucepans. Well, at least that was something to smile about.
I’ve had to deal with the doorbell ringing 5 times today, I’ve also had to deal with two calls and two audacious requests from my neighbour. When I finally got my letter finished, it was 3pm. I realised then that I had 90 minutes to get ready to play and an awful lot to do. As much as I wanted not to disappoint him I couldn’t do it.
For what it’s worth, the past few days I’ve been feeling a little bit shaky about my submission to Sir. anyway. It all started during a discussion about Kindu, when he called up a card about humiliation;
“Make them cry and beg”, he read, “that’s disgusting! Why would you do that?!”
I looked away, a former humiliatrix who liked (no, loved) to be humiliated herself. Why, indeed?
“No, why?” he pushed.
“You wouldn’t, I guess” I mumbled, deeply hurt at this point.
Sensing my pain, he challenged me.
“Okay, let’s talk about it”. I struggled, but I managed.
This evening, I was feeling stressed and tired so Sir sent me for a nap.
“Maybe if you have twenty minutes.you’ll feel better.” he said, so I tried it..
I still didn’t feel like play.
I stepped out of the bedroom with unshed tears in my eyes.
“I don’t think I can go ahead with tonight, I’m sorry about that”, I whispered.
Sir knew, he knew that when I cancelled a session, there was a damn good reason that I would be saying no, I didn’t just call things off on a whim, I took our dynamic very, very seriously. Instead, I offered to write about my experiences.
“Come here” he whispered, standing up and wrapping his arms around me. He could see in my face that something was tearing me up inside.
We agreed, maybe, to push on again for tomorrow morning. Sometimes the magic comes back again on a Saturday morning, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you need to push on regardless, and other times you don’t. Tonight was one of those “don’t” nights, and that’s fine.
Tonight though, as I reflect on what has happened, I wanted to write about why I believe sometimes you should push on with a session, regardless, and why sometimes you shouldn’t.
Before I continue, I believe as much as anyone else that communication is vitally important. If you’re not feeling up to a session, for any reason, you need to communicate it. It should be at the forefront of your dynamic to communicate any predicament or ailmment, no matter how big or small.
Got that? Wonderful. Let’s more on.
3 times you shouldn’t play
- One (or both) of you are sick or injured
It should go without say, but if you’re sick or injured, don’t play. Take it from someone who has seen the consequence of someone who evidently felt a little nauseous being thrown over a spanking horse- nobody wants to witness that.
2. You’re feeling frustrated or angry about something
In movies like Fifty Shades Darker, they make it look all sexy and hot to engage in BDSM play to relieve stress, and it looks fun and sexy and perfect, right? Not necessarily. While you can play after a stressful day, be sure to know where your mind is at and make sure any feelings of anger are long gone before you begin. If you’re angry at your submissive, definitely, definitely don’t engage in any physical punishment. It is far too easy to lose control and cause serious harm.
If you are submissive, this also applies to being mad at yourself. No matter what you did or what mistakes you have made during the day, the only rules that matter in a session are the ones that your Dominant has set, and the only thing you deserve to be punished for is breaking one of them.
3. Neither of you are in the mood
BDSM should be fun, which means that if you’re both not feeling like a session – just cancel it! There is no legal obligation to indulge in a spot of kinky fuckery and nobody is going to persecute you if you don’t. If you’re both not in the mood, communicate, agree, and postpone your plans until a better time.
3 times you should play
- You’re tired or ambivalent but your partner wants to play
I’m not talking about being absolutely exhausted or angry, but if a cup of coffee or a twenty minute nap could get you in the mood, try it before you cancel your session completely. Maybe a good meal or a brisk walk can help? Try that also. You have an obligation to your partner as well as yourself, and if you could do something to make yourself more suited to providing them with a satisfying session without cancelling, then you need to try. Failing that, you could also set them a task, or ask if there is another way that you can serve them. It’s only fair to try and accommodate your partner’s needs first.
2. You don’t want one activity, but you might be agreeable to another
You don’t fancy a flogging, but you’d be happy for spanking. You don’t fancy sex, but you’d love to practice your knotwork. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more! Just because you don’t fancy one activity, doesn’t mean you need to call the session off entirely. If something is on your mind, speak up!
3. Because you want to!
Do you really need a better reason than this to engage in some kinky shenanigans? You’re together, the stars have aligned and you’re both in a kinky mood. Go ahead! I promise I won’t tell..
Have fun and stay safe!
Hugs & kinky cuddles,