When You Should Play, And When You Shouldn’t

It’s a cool, dark evening here in Bristol. It’s dark outside and Sir is watching TV. The smell of curry wafts around the room and various items litter every surface. Tonight is playtime, or at least, it should have been.

Today has been a long, arduous, painful day. It started off with every intention to get some writing done, and ended with a lot of freaking out, and not much to show for it at all.

When I sat down to reply to one of my SLOWLY penpals, a text message pinged onto my screen. My tribunal hearing for Personal Independence Payment was finally here and it was booked for two weeks time, and I would need to appear in court.

Well, fuck.

Almost immediately, my mind filled with thoughts of courtrooms, with judges and benches and wigs and gowns. My blog became my last thought and I started to question everything about me, who I am and how my disabilities affect me. The assessor didn’t believe me, how the hell would a judge believe me? It’s too easy to forget that these people are independent, and they are there to help you get the help that you deserve.

Halfway through replying to my penpal, my doorbell went – my neighbour, wanting me to find him a free relationship mediation service for him and his now ex-girlfriend so that they can sort out the arrangements for his daughter.

Stressed out, frustrated and annoyed, I returned to my computer. The doorbell went again, the postlady! With a big box for me. My new, wonderful, detachable handle saucepans. Well, at least that was something to smile about.

I’ve had to deal with the doorbell ringing 5 times today, I’ve also had to deal with two calls and two audacious requests from my neighbour. When I finally got my letter finished, it was 3pm. I realised then that I had 90 minutes to get ready to play and an awful lot to do. As much as I wanted not to disappoint him I couldn’t do it.

For what it’s worth, the past few days I’ve been feeling a little bit shaky about my submission to Sir. anyway. It all started during a discussion about Kindu, when he called up a card about humiliation;

“Make them cry and beg”, he read, “that’s disgusting! Why would you do that?!”

I looked away, a former humiliatrix who liked (no, loved) to be humiliated herself. Why, indeed?

“No, why?” he pushed.

“You wouldn’t, I guess” I mumbled, deeply hurt at this point.

Sensing my pain, he challenged me.

“Okay, let’s talk about it”. I struggled, but I managed.

This evening, I was feeling stressed and tired so Sir sent me for a nap.

“Maybe if you have twenty minutes.you’ll feel better.” he said, so I tried it..

I still didn’t feel like play.

I stepped out of the bedroom with unshed tears in my eyes.

“I don’t think I can go ahead with tonight, I’m sorry about that”, I whispered.

Sir knew, he knew that when I cancelled a session, there was a damn good reason that I would be saying no, I didn’t just call things off on a whim, I took our dynamic very, very seriously. Instead, I offered to write about my experiences.

“Come here” he whispered, standing up and wrapping his arms around me. He could see in my face that something was tearing me up inside.

We agreed, maybe, to push on again for tomorrow morning. Sometimes the magic comes back again on a Saturday morning, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you need to push on regardless, and other times you don’t. Tonight was one of those “don’t” nights, and that’s fine.

Tonight though, as I reflect on what has happened, I wanted to write about why I believe sometimes you should push on with a session, regardless, and why sometimes you shouldn’t.

Before I continue, I believe as much as anyone else that communication is vitally important. If you’re not feeling up to a session, for any reason, you need to communicate it. It should be at the forefront of your dynamic to communicate any predicament or ailmment, no matter how big or small.

Got that? Wonderful. Let’s more on.

3 times you shouldn’t play

  1. One (or both) of you are sick or injured

It should go without say, but if you’re sick or injured, don’t play. Take it from someone who has seen the consequence of someone who evidently felt a little nauseous being thrown over a spanking horse- nobody wants to witness that.

2. You’re feeling frustrated or angry about something

In movies like Fifty Shades Darker, they make it look all sexy and hot to engage in BDSM play to relieve stress, and it looks fun and sexy and perfect, right? Not necessarily. While you can play after a stressful day, be sure to know where your mind is at and make sure any feelings of anger are long gone before you begin. If you’re angry at your submissive, definitely, definitely don’t engage in any physical punishment. It is far too easy to lose control and cause serious harm.

If you are submissive, this also applies to being mad at yourself. No matter what you did or what mistakes you have made during the day, the only rules that matter in a session are the ones that your Dominant has set, and the only thing you deserve to be punished for is breaking one of them.

3. Neither of you are in the mood

BDSM should be fun, which means that if you’re both not feeling like a session – just cancel it! There is no legal obligation to indulge in a spot of kinky fuckery and nobody is going to persecute you if you don’t. If you’re both not in the mood, communicate, agree, and postpone your plans until a better time.

3 times you should play

  1. You’re tired or ambivalent but your partner wants to play

I’m not talking about being absolutely exhausted or angry, but if a cup of coffee or a twenty minute nap could get you in the mood, try it before you cancel your session completely. Maybe a good meal or a brisk walk can help? Try that also. You have an obligation to your partner as well as yourself, and if you could do something to make yourself more suited to providing them with a satisfying session without cancelling, then you need to try. Failing that, you could also set them a task, or ask if there is another way that you can serve them. It’s only fair to try and accommodate your partner’s needs first.

2. You don’t want one activity, but you might be agreeable to another

You don’t fancy a flogging, but you’d be happy for spanking. You don’t fancy sex, but you’d love to practice your knotwork. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more! Just because you don’t fancy one activity, doesn’t mean you need to call the session off entirely. If something is on your mind, speak up!

3. Because you want to!

Do you really need a better reason than this to engage in some kinky shenanigans? You’re together, the stars have aligned and you’re both in a kinky mood. Go ahead! I promise I won’t tell..

Have fun and stay safe!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

9 thoughts on “When You Should Play, And When You Shouldn’t

  1. So beautifully written, Elena! And you’re so right! I hope this weekend gives you plenty of rest and relaxation to make space for some play time πŸ™‚ . And pots and pans with detachable handles sounds so lovely!! ❀ Big hugs to you, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou, Penny! I did just decide to ugly cry at 2am over my Dad which probably won’t set the scene for the weekend- grief is such a bizarre thing! The pans are great, in a small kitchen like ours, space saving is a mega priority and I’m less likely to elbow them off of thr heat if thr handles sren’t there, too! Have a a look for them if you like, Tefal ingenio πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oooo! I certainly will. Thanks for sharing the brand with me! Sending you huge hugs this morning, my friend ❀ Grief is a bizarre thing, but allowing yourself to feel through every emotion that bubbles up is so healthy. So much love to you, and if you ever need to chat, you can email me privately ❀ I'm here for you πŸ™‚ Xx


      2. You’re most welcome! The odd thing was, once I went througn it I slept soundly but like I said to Sir, I needed to go through it, I needed to be allowed to cry and to feel what needed to be felt without being soothed. At my Dad’s funeral, my aunt kept telling me not to cry which was just the worst thing she could do. I know she meant well but it was like I wasn’t allowed to feel how I felt because I had to be strong for everyone else – and I was his first born and only daughter!
        I shall do sweet, thankyou xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your day sounds exhausting, painful and overwhelming. i’m so sorry. A couple months back i went before a judge advocate to determine if i qualify for permanent disability. i do. The days before and that day was grueling. i cried… a lot. i cried for the things i needed to share in the hearing and the fact i was granted benefits. Daddy went with me to help piece me back together and held me close (physically and emotionally) for the next few days. i don’t do well with distraction and change of my routine very well either. Big hugs from someone who gets the whole thing. i have a few kinks Daddy doesn’t understand either…. Take good care of yourself and find that special something which heals and brings comfort… no matter what that is.β™₯ Ugly crying helps some times.


    1. It’s awful, isn’t it? We know we have something to offer the wrorld and yet, it’s like the world doesn’t want to know us. I know that I could work, I know that I could offer a lot to the world and yet, because my disabilities demand that the world considers me, I’m just too much like hard work. I’m academic, kind, bubbly, empathetic and I love people, I don’t even need a wheelchair, just a desk no higher than the first floor and not have to walk about throughout the day, oh, and a manager who understands that in the winter, Imay be absent for weeks at a time because the pain is so bad that I cant get a shoe and sock on. Those managers don’t exist. I was promised an opportunnity to work from home by a disability rights company, when I slipped on an icy footbridge and twisted my ankle on my way to an appointment, they took me off of their books instead. I’m on disability benefits and was awarded indefinite Disability Living Allowance until some nurse went and screwed it all up last year. Nothing has changed, I’ve still got the achy, broken body that I’m used to. Like you, I hate being on benefits. We have so much more to offer, great people with great potential, disregarded because of our own limitations. That was why I decided to blog about kink and try to help people who were interested in our lifestyle. From my own home, I could do something, and I had something to offer πŸ™‚

      It’s so hard when your Dom doesn’t understand your kinks. I have quite a thing for edge play,/medical play which I believe stems from my childhood. I find latex gloves, cold steel and cold surfaces mouthwateringly sexy, that’s just me, I do. My SIr doesn’t seem to understand that a “cold-hearted” (though not really, because you do actually care about your partner) can be just as enjoyable as a sensual one. It’s just a different way of playing, that’s all xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. β™₯ Indeed, we do have so much to offer! Like you, I’m intellectual, kind, funny, organized and my own life experiences give me empathy to offer a different POV to the world. In order for me to work, I have to have my home life 100% stable and a job which is low stress… part time is best. In the US, once you’re on benefits there is an extremely low income you can earn and keep your benefits. I worked full time for many years and it was too much. I can’t sustain. Unfortunately, I have severe asthma and horrible lungs which put me in bed most of the winter and a couple weeks during the summer. lol NO company wants an employee who isn’t well enough to be there (or do the work) all year round. I’ve accepted that my role as Daddy’s house-Kitten is equally as valid as working outside of the home. I keep a nice home and make sure His life is easier because I’m in it.

        Edge play… yes! I’m there with you. πŸ™‚ Hmmm… I love the sensation of cold, too! Medical not so much. Most of my visits to the doctor over the years were painful. I get the concept, though. Fortunately, Daddy and i can talk about them and are slowly integrating new things into our sex life. He’s a sensualist by and large, too. I love the mix of the two. Hard, stern, rough intermingled with sensual. RAWR! Does it get better than that? For me, anyway. β™₯

        Keep blogging! πŸ™‚ I’m glad I found yours.β™₯


      2. Succulent Savage yes! You are exactly right. I have, among things, Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome Type 2 – Causalgia. In the simmmer, I’m not too bad, in the winter… forget it! Lol Severe pain, anxiety and depression take hold and I’m just generally not good company to have. Likewise, no company wants that responsibility!

        I think when I say “medical” it’s sort of misunderstood. For me, “medical” is more about that element of dominance & submission and latex gloves than it is the actual procedures (for which part, at least in my head, they are most certainly not professional conduct! Lol). I’ve never found procedures n and of themselves very appealing.

        Thankyou! And you too, I do love reading about you and your Daddy πŸ™‚ x

        Liked by 1 person

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