Sorry, But Sexual Assault IS As Bad As Rape

Something which I seldom talk about is the fact that I am a 6-time sexual assault survivor. I’ve never been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted six times, and something I hear time and time again is that “hey, at least you weren’t raped.”

As a BDSM blogger, it would be wrong of me to advocate good sex stuff without blasting bad sex stuff at the same time. I am as passionate about BDSM as I am about the fact that sexual assault is as bad as rape and today, the latter is getting addressed.

My friends, this “sexual assault is not as bad as rape” sentiment needs to die. It needs someone to butcher it into thousands of pieces and bury it where it will never be found, because no matter how big or small, sexual assault is still sexual assault, and sexual assault is bad, in all of its forms..

Before we move on, let us just remind ourselves of what sexual assault is.

Sexually assault could mean:-

  • Touching a person inappropriately (such as on the bottom, breast or genitals without their consent.
  • Causing unwanted pain though contact to someone’s breasts, bottom or genitals (such as slapping a woman’s bottom or kicking a man in the groin)
  • Forcing or coercing someone into sexual contact or activity
  • Kissing someone without their consent

It can also be any of the above happening to a man or woman, by a man or woman, of any age and known to the victim or not. Anyone can assault another, and anyone can be a victim.

When these things happen to you, it can create a bit of a state of anxiety, despair and confusion. Why you? What did you do to deserve this? Should you report it to the police? (The answer is yes, always).

My friends, I’m never going to lie to you about these things. Sexual assault and rape is real, it is serious and it needs to be addressed. To help you better understand me, this is my painful history:-

  • Aged five, I was hung upside down from play apparatus in the school playground while a group of young girls scratched and pinched my genitals. If I fell, they beat me with sticks to get me to climb back up. (my mother actually hid this from me, I came across some paperwork about it when I was fourteen).
  • Aged sixteen, a family friend looked after me while my parents went shopping because I was in the throes of grief and was feeling like harming myself. After they left, he forced himself on me and performed oral sex on me.
  • Aged nineteen, my boyfriend’s Dad forced himself upon me and repeatedly kissed me, even though I told him to stop.
  • Aged nineteen, I went shopping and an African man approached me and told me that he had seen me before. When I asked where, he pointed to the supermarket I’d just left. He then stole my shopping and told me that if I wanted it back, I’d have to go with him. Before he returned my shopping to me, he demanded a kiss. Not having anything else to give my grandmother for her birthday the next day, apart from the vase that I had just bought her, I reluctantly kissed him.
  • Aged twenty, I went on vacation with my family and a ball got stuck inside the billiard table. The site rep helped retrieve it and stood back, but groped my arse before he left us alone.
  • Aged twenty-nine, my now-father-in-law kissed me on the lips, again.

To some people, this might seem like much ado about nothing, because it is, right? A bit of kissing, a bit of groping, nothing really wrong here.

Wrong, because I hadn’t consented to any of these incidents.

If someone doesn’t give their enthusiastic consent, then it is wrong. Absolutely no excuses.

This whole sentiment really kicked offfor me a few weeks ago when I read about a rape survivor who had posted on social media that she had braved going for a pap smear test. Don’t get me wrong, it is important and I do think women who go are brave, but it’s not something that I would personally choose to broadcast all over social media. Both times I have been, one was extremely painful and the other decided to try giving my shy cervix some gentle words of encouragement. I mean, what is a girl to do in that situation?!:

For me, and I think maybe for many women, going for your pap smear exam is a bit like going to the dentist for a filling: A necessary evil, but not something you would normally broadcast to the world. Feeling bemused by her actions, I shared my sentiment with Sir.

“Not being funny but I think these women have been through a lot worse than you have”, was his words, I was flabbergasted.

Have been through worse? What does that even mean?!

Do you mean to tell me that it’s okay for my now-father-in-law to try and play tonsil tennis with me? Do you mean to tell me that it’s okay for holiday site representatives to grope patrons who are visiting with their families? It’s okay to perform sex acts on the teenage children of your friends because hey, it’s not rape, and these things aren’t as bad as rape?

Sexual assault IS as bad as rape. All that differentiates sexual assault from rape is the method being used. A person’s rights and personal space are still being violated without their consent. If you were going about your life today and somebody undesirable accosted you, would you not want someone to listen to you? Would you not be troubled if a friend or a family member said “yeah, but at least you weren’t raped”? You’d be beside yourself and you’d want someone to listen to how awful you feel, because that’s how these things make you feel – dirty, cheap and used.

Friends, if there is one thing you do today, please. please, I beg you, stop this narrative that sexual assault is not as bad as rape. Sexual assault IS as bad as rape, and you can help someone who has been sexually assaulted recover from their trauma by listening to them and respecting them. Validate their feelings, listen to their thoughts and help them find support. Be the hero in their darkest hour, not the villain.

Stay safe, my dears.

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

4 thoughts on “Sorry, But Sexual Assault IS As Bad As Rape

Add yours

  1. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST!!!! It’s far beyond time we all stand up and talk about what it’s like to be sexually assaulted in all its forms. None of it is okay… EVER!!!! I have a long string of sexual assaults and rapes going back to age 6. It’s awful and some of the assaults are worse than the rapes in that the PTSD I suffer is greater related to those instances.

    Like

    1. You’re absolutely welcome! It’s awful, isn’t it? Like I said in my post, you wonder what you did wrong. Do I look too innocent? Too nice? Too mysterious? It’s awful. The worst part for me with the family friend, the police dropped the case because when he text me one day and threatened to rape me, I responded and told him to take a long walk off of a short plank. They said they would speak to him anyway but he denied all knowledge of me. The last time I saw him, he got on the same bus as me. I had to get off because I felt physically sick. PTSD is awful, I have “PTSD symptoms” from being in a flat fire and after my Dad’s death in March (he had congealed blood around his teeth and gums from the type of cancer he had) so I do understand. it really bothers me that anyone feels they have a right to pick and choose what is bad and what is not. If it troubles you, it is bad, and it needs to be handled accordingly x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel sorry for them. While they’re busy trying to decide what warrants sympathy and what doesn’t, they’re missing out on the ability to connect with their fellow humans. We’ll never have that problem 🙂

    Like

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