Sometimes in life, it’s not possible for our kinky sessions to go ahead. It can happen for a number of reasons, whether one party is sick, our Dominant has a huge workload or our submissive just isn’t feeling like submitting. It’s important to understand that BDSM play can, and often does, get called off for any number of reasons. More often than many of the outsiders realise.
On Monday, I need to appear in court to appeal the decision against me being awarded Personal Independence Payment for my disabilities. I have to be frank with you, I wasn’t seeking much of an award, so I was really shocked when my representative said he felt that I had more than enough evidence for an enhanced-enhanced award. The trouble is, while I can send all of the medical evidence that I have and all of the statements that I have sent from the people who know me, it’s still me who has to do all of the talking to a panel of 3 people who I have never met, and who get to decide my fate. Being in such a situation is incredibly stressful, and as many a kinkster will attest, one of the best ways to cope stress is with some BDSM play.
Tonight was supposed to be one of those nights for me, one of those nights when I can really get it all outof my system and start to feel a little better before Monday. Unfortunately, despite more than a week of planning, my good Sir is now tired and so tonight has been cancelled, which leaves me full of a lot of stress, anxiety and tension.
If you’ve read my previous post about cancelling play, you’ll know how I feel about such a scenario. Alas, I can’t force him to play and so looking after myself is all that is left to do.
Before we get started, let’s just cover a few things you absolutely should not do:
- Don’t guilt – “If you went to bed earlier, you wouldn’t be too tired to play!” you say. Sorry, but that’s rubbish. Your partner might have had a really long day in the office or they might have been up late planning you a surprise birthday party. People are people, and your partner might have a perfectly valid reason for being tired.
- Don’t abuse – Never, ever, ever abuse someone for cancelling a session, ever. it’s simply not okay. Whether you shout at them, hit them, call them names, I don’t care. If you abuse them for having to cancel a scene, then I 100% back them for walking away completely.
- Don’t manipulate – “But I’ve been so good lately, I deserve to play!”. Yes, and your partner has worked hard and deserves to rest. Nobody, not one of us, is better than the other. Nobody here is special.
- Don’t get angry – If you want to ruin trust in any relationship, getting angry is 100% the way to do it. Of course you feel frustrated and that’s fine, but there are far better ways to express your frustration, which we’ll get onto in just a minute.
Handle the situation with dignity and grace, and the outcome will be a lot better for you both in the long run.
Now let’s move on to what you can do
8 Tips For Coping When BDSM Play Gets Cancelled
- Keep yourself safe
When we feel angry, one of the first things we do is lash out. You may be tempted to smash something or harm yourself to get negative feelings out. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe from harm, do it. Make that a priority.
2. Connect with yourself
Really feel the way your body is feeling. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and really connect with the way this cancelled session feels within you. Do you feel sad? Does your stomach hurt? Are your muscles tight? Allow yourself to really feel and connect with how it makes you feel.
When a session gets cancelled, one of my first and favourite things to do to help me get back on track is to kneel and meditate in the “Nadu” (hands on your thighs, palm up, head down) position. It really helps me to reconnect with the peace that I feel when I am otherwise being submissive. It might not dissuade your feelings completely, but mediation can be a powerful tool to dissuade negative emotions like sadness and anger.
4. Cry, if you need to
Sometimes, we feel anger or sadness that a session has been cancelled and for submissives particularly, that can be an awfully upsetting experience which carries extremely negative emotions like feeling undesired or unworthy. Those feelings, while not entirely founded, are nonetheless valid. Emotions are never invalid, they are simply what you feel in response to a situation, and whatever you feel in response to this situation is okay,
5. Journal/Write a letter
Once you start to feel a little better, you can begin to think about writing about the decision in a journal. You might have one you share with your partner, or you might not. If you do, you could use it as a chance to express (nicely) how the decision made you feel. If you don’t, you could write out how you feel and confide in your journal like you were talking to a good friend. You could also try writing a letter to your partner. You don’t have to give it too them, if you don’t want to.
6. Masturbate, or have sex
It’s no secret that for a lot of people, BDSM play involves sex. If a BDSM session gets cancelled, that can also mean, for most men, a nice set of blue balls! If you and your partner have a regular relationship, you may decide you still want intimacy and you want only to have sex. If you live apart, or your partner doesn’t want to have sex either, then you might want to masturbate. You may also decide that your mind is full of some ditty, sordid thoughts that you need to get out of your system and that masturbation is the only way to purify your brain. Whatever you decide is A-okay.
7. Look after yourself
Make sure you eat well, drink plenty of water, get some exercise and get plenty of rest. Try to distract yourself from the situation and explore some other fun activities as well. A cancelled play session can bring about feelings of depression, so it’s important to do the things that we enjoy and make sure we look after ourselves first. Remember, there can always be another time, but there is only ever one you.
8. Communicate & agree
Now for the really tricky part, you need to discuss what went wrong and how you can overcome it. If it’s just a one off occurence, apologise to your partner, make up for lost time and carry on as usual. If it’s a regular occurrence, maybe you could play the next day (sometimes we have some really rough sex on a Saturday morning instead!), maybe you could arrange a whole new play session, you could change some part of your lifestyle, or you could explore polyamory. Take baby steps first and only make the big decisions when you need to!
So there we have it! How do you cope when you don’t play? Let me know in the comments!
Hugs & kinky cuddles,