I know, I know, you came to me, wanting me to teach you all about BDSM and here I am teaching you that first of all, we need to talk about talking. Awful, right?
Bad, Elena, very bad!
But, friends, communcation is soo vitally important. In fact, your BDSM relationship cannot thrive without it. How will you know what your partner wants to try? If they enjoy something? If they don’t? Without communication, wherever would you be?
Before we get into some more BDSM-specific bits and pieces, lets talk about some ways that we can implement communication.
Verbal – Just talk! It’s crazy! Isn’t it? Kinky people have these wonderful, crazy things called discussions. The horror! Sometimes, my husband and I talk about BDSM like we’re talking about what to have for dinner.
“Hey honey, would you like a whipping with your fries?”
No, not literally.
One of the most recent ones we had was having discovered that we both (thankfully) seriously share my impregnation fetish.
“I didn’t hurt you last night, did I?” he asked me over coffee in our kitchen.
“Only in a good way” I smiled back.
You see? A perfectly normal conversation. Well, for the most part!
Electronic – I’m encompassing all forms here, email, text and phonecall. When you aren’t together, these can be an invaluable tool to help you communicate your wants, needs and desires. You can have fun with sexts and phone sex and the like, but they are equally important for addressing the everyday nuances. For example:-
If there is an unexpected change of plan for the evening, I can email my husband at work and say that “we’ll have to postpone date night” (code for cancel our session) because of (insert reason here, unless it’s NSFW).
If I’m struggling emotionally, he can call me. He knows that, as my Dominant, he has the power and ability to connect with me and resonate within me in a way that nobody else can, so he uses it.
We can also use text messaging to discuss if we want to play, if we don’t, how we’re feeling or whether we want food before playtime. It allows us to discuss our dynamic when we aren’t together. Crazy, isn’t it?
Journals- The next thing I wanted to discuss with you is journals. Journals can take many, many forms but they can be so invaluable when it comes to discussing thoughts and feelings. You might want to keep a shared one, you might want to keep individual ones, or you might only want the submissive to keep one that you can then periodically discuss. No way is write or wrong, it’s all up to you.
Some people like to get all nostalgic and have a real, journal. A real one, made from paper. If you’re good at losing things or if, like me, you have a handicap that prevents you from writing and so tying is better, or even if you’d just prefer an electronic journal for whatever reason, then you can also consider that option. Personally, we use Google Docs which I archive and create a new document once every 14 days. You can see a sample journal entry here.
Some Important, BDSM specifit tools
Checklists– BDSM Checklists allow us to talk about our kinks and fetishes with our partner in a way that we can talk about both what we have and haven’t done, and what we want and don’t want to do. Think about it less as a to do list and more of a menu. If you don’t want the artichoke soup, don’t order the artichoke soup – simple.
Many checklists exists and some are more extensive than others. It is also important that you both complete the list individually so that you can discuss any interests that you don’t quite agree on.
You can find my own free sample checklist here.
Safewords- Safewords should, for all intents and purposes, be at the top of this list, However, as generic communication is more important than scene-specific communication, they have to come last. They are vitally, vitally important, people, but they deserve a whole new post of their own. You can visit my third lesson on safe words by clicking here.
Stay safe and have fun!
Hugs & kinky cuddles,