The Importance Of Consistency In BDSM Relationships

Over the past few days, my good Sir and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. Having talked a lot and left no stone unturned we both realised something; neither of us have been particularly consistent.

Consistency: the quality of always behaving or performing in a similar way, or of always happening in a similar way:

Definition from the Cambridge Dictionary

In most things in life, we are expected to behave in a consistent pattern. As children, our parents expect us to come home from school consistently everyday. As adults, our managers expect us to turn up for work everyday and our families expect us to come home after work. When we don’t, chaos, upset and anxiety ensues.

In a conventional relationship, we expect our partners to behave consistently and to treat us consistently. If our partner is doting one moment and cold the next, it can leave us in a state of turmoil. If our partner is full of gift-giving one week and selfish the next, it can lead us to wonder as to the cause of their once-generous behaviour. During these scenarios, we can begin to suspect less than desirable scenarios, such as affairs or cheating.

Consistency in BDSM

BDSM relationships have many nuances. For couples who only enjoy BDSM in the bedroom, consistency might mean not being fun and loving one moment, and strict and serious the next. In relationships with rules and dynamics, consistency means having a predictable and stable behaviour throughout. Although it can be fun to sometimes have a more intense scene than normal, Dominants particularly need to be careful not to come across as being too mercurial.

Consistency: A Dominant’s view

I admit, for all of my complaining about him, there have been a few inconsistencies of my own lately. I haven’t been writing in my journal nearly as often as I should be and I haven’t been maintaining myself like I should be, either. Part of that, I identified, was stress. The other part came down to blogging, and being all typed out by the end of the day meant I had no time or desire for my journal. Hydration is also something else I’ve been struggling with, and my normal three water bottles per day has slipped to being one and a cup of tea in the morning, if we’re so lucky,

My husband depends on me to communicate and he depends on me to maintain myself. I have been failing him in one way to support him in another. Where I could be journalling, I’ve been writing on my blog. Where I could be exercising and looking after myself, I’ve been cleaning the home instead. There hasn’t been consistency on my part between what I need to do, and what I intend to do. Furthermore, where there has been a sudden deviation to my normal intentions, I haven’t been communicating about it.

Why consistency matters to a submissive

If you’ve read Cumulonimbus Clouds Pt 1 & Pt 2, you’ll know that recently, there has been a bit of an issue in the amount of play sessions that we have had as of late. For a submissive, a lack of play can result in increased stress levels and feelings of worthlessness, which may not be intended by the Dominant. Even if you can’t give your submissive partner the same attention or the same level of play as usual, it is important not to disregard their needs completely.

It’s also important to make sure that you too are maintaining yourselffor the benefit of the relationship. For my Sir, he has identified that tiredness is a huge contributor, and he has vowed to start going to bed earlier. If you can identify a behaviour which leads to inconsistency in your dynamic, consider finding ways to change it.

Conclusion

Nobody is immune to inconsistency. Nobody is perfect and sooner or later, we are all neglectful and we all make mistakes. The important part is not to see it that we ourselves are the only ones with needs, but to see it that we, as a collective, have needs. We all rely on one another in some way, eventually. Be it your doctor, a firefighter, a parent, a lover or a Dominant or a submissive. Humans are not solitary animals.

It is also important to accept our shortcomings, communicate the issue and try to adapt and change. Apologise for your failures and look for ways to improve. For Sir, that means earlier bed times, for me, that means making time to write in my journal as well as on my blog, and to make more time for myself. For our relationship, that meant the discovery and creation of our “Three B” nights. Though far from a normal candles and canes session, they are a mutually satisfying, less intense and less exhausting way to play.

Have you struggled with inconsistency in your dynamic? How did you overcome it? Let me know in the comments!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

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