Rethinking The Way We Kink

Hey lovelies.

Today I wanted to get this blog back on track a little bit and share with you a conversation I’ve had with Wolfie while we’re down here. As is always the way, we’ve had quite a few “when we get back to Bristol..” discussions (including agreeing that we probably aren’t going to renew our vows after all) but this one in particular really sticks out.

When I set up our vacation bedroom, I set the new lace cuffs and blindfold on the bedside. Normally, our toys are stashed away out of sight and out of mind, heaven forbid someone might see.

“I like that,” I said, “it sort of feels like.. our bedroom.” Wolfie agreed.

So here are the changes we’ll be making when we get back.

  1. No more hiding

At the moment, all of our toys are stashed away in boxes and ottomans for the sakes of privacy. That’s fine, but it sort of makes playtime a bit inaccessible and limited. So what if we have a pair of cuffs and a blindfold by our bed? Nobody should be going in the bedroom, anyway. We have plenty of (homemade) artwork on the walls that nobody has noticed, so why should apair of cuffs on the bedside matter?

2. Not relying so much on the under the bed restraint system

There was a time for me that bondage was only bondage if I couldn’t move. It didn’t matter if I was told not to move, I needed to be physically unable to move. With the cuffs, I’ve discovered that there is something deeply erotic in not moving because I’ve been told not to move, and though I don’t have that same feeling of capture and surrender, there can still be quite an intense sense of submission.

3. Swapping drawer units for a chair and a wardrobe

In this chalet, the bedroom has only a wardrobe and a bedside unit, and you know what? Strangely it feels like almost enough. At home, we have a chest of drawers each and a wardrobe, and it takes up a lot of floor space in our bedroom. By having a wardrobe each, I plan to swap the drawer units out and have a chair and table in the bedroom where the drawer unit once was to make our bedroom more multi-purpose. Because you know, any Dom worthy of his title is to be worshipped.. ahem..

4. Doing away with safewords

I know, I know, this sounds crazy and controversial for someone advocating safe kinky play but hear me out. Wolfie and I have been together for 13 years now, married for 6, so when I saw it mentioned in E.L. James’ Darker (the only half-read book I had on my phone) it gave me pause for thought. I mean, none of her books are great examples of BDSM play, but for two people who know each other so well, safewords really did feel a bit in excess.

For us, safewords have a sort of formality to them. Wolfie knows my I’m-uncomfortably-turned-on “stop” from my oh-my-god-that-hurt-so-fucking-much “stop!”. We’re two people that can look at each other and know what the other is thinking, so safewords can seem a bit over the top.

Do I advocate everyone to ditch safewords? Absolutely not, in fact, this is a trial and error even for us. In a sense, they still stand because I know that if I say “red”, Wolfie will still stop. Although we’ve done away with them, we’ve done away with them only really in principle.

What we practice, then, is really RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Although playing without safewords is risky, I have my utmost confidence and trust in Wolfie.

It’s important to be able to have these conversations around BDSM and to be able to share thoughts and ideas. While communicating limits and interests is one thing, it’s important to be able to discuss ways that you can change or improve your dynamic, too.

What changes have you made to improve your BDSM relationship? Let me know in the comments!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

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