Product Review: Fifty Shades Of Grey “Sweet Tease” Vibrating Nipple Clamps (Plus Dodgy Lovehoney Experience!)

Well lovelies, I promised you some product reviews and unfortunately, not all of my product reviews are going to be stellar 5-star ratings. Coming in with a not-so-shiny score are these vibrating nipple clamps.

The product: Fifty Shades Of Grey “Sweet Tease” Vibrating Nipple Clamps, £19.99, Lovehoney

Owing to my love for my Bad Kitty Butterfly Nipple Clamps, I decided to buy something with a bit of a vibration. What can I say? Now I know what I’m doing, I’m a convert!

When they arrived, they arrived in a cute small box which features an image of the product, and information about how E.L. James has approved the product (of course she has, she’s probably making profits from it!). Inside the box is a little foil packet (it wasn’t lost on me, either) containing the nipple clamps, and two extra packs of cell batteries. Each “clamp” is a velvety black sleeve on a bullet vibrator with two prongs at the top, held together by a plastic bead slider. On one side, the clamps are emblazened with “Fifty Shades Of Grey” moulded into the silicon.

Before you get started with your new purchase, there are two tiny white discs inside the battery compartments that you need to remove, one in each. Opening the bullet vibrator to access them, though, is a workout unto itself. With plenty of squeezing and pulling and kneading, I managd to get the vibrators out enough for me to access the battery compartments.

With the paper discs out and the battery lids back in place, I clicked the buttons. Nothing. I checked them, still nothing. I changed the batteries, nothing. These were duds.

I reviewed the product with one-star and had a response from Lovehoney who refused to publish my review. It was, they said, a faulty product, and this product is normally much more reliable. For that reason, they wanted to know if I’d be happy for them to send me a replacement product, and for me to review that one. I agreed, but with one small caveat – I was now away for two weeks, so it would have to be dealt with when I return.

The representative assured me that this was fine, and she would send the replacement product out on the 12th October, the day I was due to return home. Knowing that there was no way I would make the 165 mile journey home in time for the post, I emailed again to express this, and was told by a different representative that I wouldn’t be able to change the day. Basically, I just had to hope my neighbour didn’t open my post.

Feeling slightly vexed by this sudden lack of cooperation, I emailed again to ask why shipping a product on the 12th October was easy, but 14th October was impossible. Again, I received an email back from yet another representative who arranged for me to receive them on the 14th, wished me a good time on my vacation, and problem solved.

Lo and behold, on 14th October my new vibrating nipple clamps arrived. Remembering the struggles of last time, I was ready to do battle to coax the little bullets out of their silicon coats. With more kneading and pulling, I was able to remove the infamous paper discs and get these little puppies ready. With a click of a button, they fired into life. Result!

With the new toy in one hand, I tried to fit the nipple clamp over my nipple, I failed. I tried again, and had the same result. It would seem, unless you have long nipples, these are nearly impossible to get on. In the end, fitting them involved poking my thumb and fingernail through the loop, pinching my nipple and pulling it through, then sliding the bead down to secure my nipple in place – very painful, and definitely not sexy at all!

With my nipple finally clamped in this silicon torture device, I decided to power them up, hoping, perhaps, for some blissful tingles to override the pain from my prior spot of prior self-sadism. Alas, sadly these vibrating nipple clamps yielded no results. Instead, they did more to wibble and jiggle my few extra pounds then they did to get me any closer to rocking my socks off.

Defeated and sore, I released my throbbing rosebuds from bonds. In one last-ditch attempt to get something good out of these toys, I pulled the plastic bead sliders off. When the motor is powered on, I noticed that the two remaining finger-like parts danced and tickled my skin, which definitely spoke to somewhere else. Curious..

I tried my new wobbly “fingers” on a nipple and I tried them in other places, too. Sad to say, that in both tests, they failed to do anything to excite. Whether they were black, stretchy mammary catchers or wibbly nerve-exciting fingers, these “nipple stimulators” failed to stimulate much at all.

In one last, last effort, I removed the bullet vibrators completely from their sleeve. That takes some serious effort (I even applied a good blob of lube to aid the process) with only minimal result. Sadly, even the bullet all on its own failed to deliver anything exciting.

If the slightest buzz gets you all excited, then you might enjoy these. For me, high-speed vibrators are all pomp and no effect. For that reason, sadly, I could only award them a miserable two stars.

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