Good morning lovelies,
Goodness, it’s only 07:25am here in the UK and I’m already up and writing. It goes to show how much I love doing what I do, doesn’t it? I couldn’t wait to get started!
Today, I wanted to revisit brats and what I’ve said before about brats. At the same time, I also want to talk about what I perceive as four different types of Dominant, and why they are (or are not) suited for me.
In my 13 years in the BDSM community, I feel like I’ve encountered a lot of different people and from all walks of life. I’ve met Dominants with disabilities (including one that could get his submissive to flog herself from his eye contact alone – yikes!) and submissives that make me look like a complacent pussycat. In that time, I’ve come to realise that there are several types of Dominant in the BDSM community. These can include:
The power-in-pain Dom: Unfortunately, these Dominants are usually woefully misinformed, newbies or potential abusers. These people are not sadists, who understand that not every submissive is systematically masochistic. These people strongly believe that the only way to rule over a submissive is to hurt them, quite often thanks to the things they’ve seen in pornography. Lots of communication and re-education can turn them around, but if you feel your safety is in jeopardy, leave.
The Ruler: These Doms have a rule for this and a rule for that. There is a position, a response, a way to behave, a way to dress. For some submissives who seek this kind of control, it is perfect. However, Rulers need to be mindful that not every submissive wants to be told what to do at every moment of every day, and it doesn’t make them a bad or undesirable submissive if they don’t.
The Resister: The Resiser gives as good as s/he gets. The submissive sasses them and they sass right back. Often referred to as brat-tamers, these Dominants enjoy the challenge. They typically have a good sense of humour and a devilishly sadistic streak when it’s called for (and sometimes when it’s not!). They will generally keep up with a brat until the brat has exhausted his or her every move and has no choice but to behave. They aren’t phased in the least by typical brat tactics like pet-names and power struggles (and may even find them endearing).
The I-Am-Dom: I-Am-Doms know that they are Dominant, they have said that they are Dominant and you should just do as you are told. They don’t need to justify themselves and hate being questioned on why they know this of themselves. They usually have an elaborate outfit to establish their position. Also quite often new, they are sure of themselves and their place in the BDSM lifestyle. I was shamefully an I-Am-Dom once, and look how that landed up.
The Pro: Usually at events, pro Dominants may be with paying customers, or looking for paying customers. To their credit, I have never, ever had an issue with a professional, and many of them are incredible, kind, informative and helpful contributors to the BDSM community. They may wear an elaborate outfit, but usually because their customers have paid enough for them to be able to afford to do so! They may also mentor newcomers if you ask nicely enough. “Pro” stands for professional Dominant/Dominatrix and most definitely should not be confused with prostitutes!
For a brat like me personally, a Resister is naturally best. For me, the ideal Dominant should be patient, understanding and supportive. He also needs to have an excellent sense of humour and be able to match me. I’ve only ever played with two of these types, and I married one of them. I need room and freedom to think, respond and grow. I need to be able to make choices about the way I behave and the freedom to explore and experience the world.
Having met a lot of Power-In-Pain and Ruler types now, I can safely say that Ruler types are probably the worst for me. I have no desire to be ‘trained’ and I find such control to be quite dull. I am me, and I will always authentically be me, warts and all. Unless you are the Adonis of perfection in yourself, I don’t think it’s on to expect a submissive to be more than what he or she is. Introducing the submissive partner to something new is one thing, but to impose such an extensive list of wants and desires on another is unfair. Submission should be gentle and tailored through mutual decision-making, not a tick list of the Dominant’s desires.
I see a lot of articles on other blogs and websites which talk about what a submissive should be, but really, a submissive should be whatever you both want him or her (or them) to be. My husband wants me to be witty, he wants me to be challenging and he wants me to feel like I’m free to be me – so I am. I’m not a bad submissive. Sure, I forgot to make his lunch last night, but he understands that nobody is perfect, and nor does he want me to be.
Brats are, by default, stubborn, tenacious and fiery. They will push you and they will challenge you. They don’t do it to be rude, they do it to engage you, to test you. You want your submissive to be at their prime, but they want the same from you. They want you to be every bit the Dominant they know you can be.
My good Sir knows what he got himself into, and he knows what he is getting. He gets the brat that steals his computer mouse then breaks into tune of “Stand and deliver, your mousey or your life!” (to his credit, fake-stabbing himself resolved that antic very quickly) and he gets the brat that growls when she’s told not to. I know when to challenge him, and he knows that I will challenge him, too.
Sometimes, being a strong submissive also requires you to break ranks and challenge auhority, and I do believe that that is something that is regularly omitted from discussions on BDSM relationships. Often times, it’s the submissive that needs support with their mental health and the Dominant challenges them to find ways to improve. But sometimes, it’s the Dominant who needs to do the work.
I believe that part of being a good submissive involves being excruciatingly honest and telling your Dominant where they need to shape up. Last night, I had to tell my good Sir that I believe his Dominant side scares the little boy in him, and hence he represses it often. I cannot support him and help him grow by not addressing the topic first. I’ve also had to tell him that he is too nice in the workplace, and that he needs to be firmer with them. I don’t do it to be a brat to him, I do it because I care, and I want the best for him. It’s tough love, and there is far more than just the bratty side to me.
One of the most important things to understand in dealing with brats is how you handle them. If you’re over-handed (usually using physical punishment or pain), you risk causing upset and/or psychological damage. If you’re under-handed (ie ignoring the behaviour), you risk a submissive who finds you boring and decides not to engage. Usually, acknowledging the behaviour with a chuckle and an “is that right?” or a “really?” can go a long way because your brat feels heard, but also has a chance to decide whether they want to escalate, or de-escalate (that happens occasionally!). Often, a brat just wants to be noticed, and wants nothing more than five minutes of your attention. Sir probably can’t count on both hands how often I’ve been fussy for 5-10 minutes, then curled up on his lap and been fast asleep soon afterwards!
If you take one thing away from this post, I implore you, please, please do not look at brats as bad people, or bad submissives. They are worthy of your love, your time, your dedication and your commitment, they just need a little bit more handling than most. Put in the hard work, and you will be rewarded – ten-fold.
Stay well folks,