Before we really get into the meat of this post, I want to share with you all a really funny thing that happened to me over the past few days. We had a boiler service on Tuesday and, owing to our noisy radiators, I asked the engineer to bleed the radiators while he was here.
Knowing the “theme” of our bedroom, I popped into the bedroom before he did and took down the erotic artworks on our walls. All that was left was the Love Me Like You Do song lyrics and the image of a woman in the palm of a man’s hand, which I made.
Innocent enough, and so I was happy for the engineer to have access to our bedroom.
When I woke up yesterday, I noticed the blindfold on the bedroom floor. I bent down and picked it up without a second thought and that was when the realisation hit me; I didn’t move the blindfold or cuffs from the bedside table before I granted the engineer access to our bedroom.
Fortunately, he didn’t say anything but it has certainly given me a chuckle since. Brown and blue eyes, sweet and innocent little me, kinky? Who would have thought it. Not many!
After my little mistake, I decided I wanted to laugh somewhere and share my experience. Facebook wasn’t the place, so I reinstalled the confessions app, Whisper. Within moments of my post, I found myself conversing with an American Dominant, W.
Now, let me be the first to tell you that, even with my thirteen years of experience, I would never call myself a BDSM expert. Nuh uh, not happening. So when I meet people of like minds, I listen to them. I don’t have to agree, but I listen and respect their opinions and experiences, regardless.
Far from disagreeing with him, what W taught me absolutely humbled me, and it’s been on my mind for the past twenty-four hours. Today, I wanted to write a piece as a gratitude to him for changing the way I view my submission to my husband.
In our conversation, I pointed out that I am a brat, proudly, I am cheeky, mischievous, playful and naughty, and my husband loves that about me. So when W asked about how I behave as a submissive, the hackles went up. There was no way that I’d be be told to be a meek, mild-mannered submissive. Not now, not ever,
That’s okay. Submission is about you doimg something because you want to do it, not because you have to do it.
Suddenly, I thought back to all of the things I do for my husband.
I bought more black lace thongs, because Wolfie absolutely loves it when I wear black lace thongs.
I wear the navy lace-sleeved jumper he bought me, because he loves me in navy blue (it’s very feminine on me, I have been told!)
I am careful to be polite, friendly and courteous to everyone that I meet, because I am a representation of him, and I need to make sure that I represent him well.
I maintain the home for him, because I want him to have a warm, clean, comfortable home that he can come home to, and enjoy.
I try to do all that I can to make him proud, as his wife and his submissive.
Submission is about what you do, now how you are. If your heart isn’t in it, your actions are pointless. Anyone can tell you to kneel, but it won’t feel the same if it isn’t where you want to be.
I want my husband to eat tasty, nutritious food, so I try and make sure it’s available.
I want my husband to be stress-free, relaxed and happy, and so I try to make sure I do what I can to make life stress-free for him.
I want my husband to be proud of me, so I try to act in a conduct that makes him proud of me, and who I am.
Submission is more than just kneeling positions and orders, it is in how you think, feel, act and behave.
In BDSM, I believe that both parties need to work to maintain their partner’s respect, and they need to be respected, too. If a submissive loses respect for his or her Dominant partner, they will no longer want to submit to them. You can’t beat respect into someone. To be respected, you have to earn it first.
Last night, my husband behaved in a way that I felt wasn’t respectful to me, and so I wasn’t feeling respectful to him. Having ripped out a backend belter in bed, I turned away from him in horror and disgust. Had he given me an order, then I’d probably have folded my arms and scoffed at it at the time, not because I was being bratty, but because I felt incredibly disrespected. It was a classic example of how one disrespectful behaviour can upset the entire dynamic within seconds.
If I’m being candidly honest with you all, I’ve never regarded myself as a submissive. I’m a mischevious, fiery woman with no desire or inclination to back down without a struggle. And yet, I realise now that I don’t need to. I won’t tolerate being disrespected by anyone, and anyone that wanted to dominate me has always had to respect me and accept me first, exactly as I am.
I’ve never wanted to act like a robot. I have a mind, a wit and a heart, and I always yearned for a Dominant who could see that. I did not want someone who wanted to model me and show me off like a show pony, I just wanted to make someone proud. I wanted someone who would see me kick some ass and say “that’s my girl”.
Yet, I have that now, because I know that he is proud of me. Even if I’m fiery, even if I’m tempestuous and occasionally even extremely challenging, he still loves that about me.
Because he loved that about me, I was respectful to him. Because he wanted to make me happy (by respecting me for who I am and what I wanted), I wanted to make him happy in return. He saw that all I ever really wanted was to feel safe, loved, accepted and respected for me, just as I was.
And because he did, I’d jump through hoops for him, and only him.
Time and time again.
Because he wanted to give me whatever I needed, I wanted to give him whatever he wanted in return.
Even if I still don’t feel like I can really forgive his midnight movements, if he told me to kneel right now, I probably still would. I want to move forward with him, I still love him, I still care for him and I still respect him enough not to want to disappoint him by disobeying him.
And that, really, is what true submission is all about.