So confession time, lately I’ve been feeling a bit run down with something. I have this sordid, twisted little medical fantasy and I know Wolfie doesn’t share it. For a few weeks, I sort of felt torn between the man I love and my fetish, the not knowing, and the curious and insatiable need to know. I think that’s what bothers me more than knowing my husband isn’t interested in it, it’s not knowing if even I’m really interested in it either, because I can’t know, I haven’t got to know and I don’t get to know, but I NEED to know! Forgive me, but it does feel a little unfair..
Frustrated by this feeling of confusion, I took to the anonymous chat app, Whisper. I know, if you’ve ever used Whisper, it’s generally full of seedy males who are just trying to get their jollies, but it can also be great for expressing these horrible, pent up feelings without anyone knowing who you are.
Out into the void, and forget about it.
Whisper does however have a chat feature, and while I’ve had some decent conversations, more often I get things like “that’s hott” or “hey babe”, which I won’t respond to. I also get “can I see what you look like?”, “can I see more of u?”, no surprises there. Block and move on.
Now, last week I had a response from an older “Dom” (more on that in a second) and I really thought he seemed knowledgeable and understanding. I opened up to him about the fact that I love Wolfie and Wolfie loves me, but that I had this dark and sordid fantasy that I couldn’t explore, and that it really haunted me.
At first, things seemed pretty decent, but quite quickly things started to change. And so, with recent experiences and general knowledge in mind, here are 10 signs that you’re dealing with a fake Dom.
- They insist that you use their chosen title
If a Dominant won’t speak to you unless you address them as Sir, Madam, Master, Mistress etc, get out of there and don’t look back. This is a person with an incredibly inflated sense of ego. Unless you are playing with someone, address them as a friend only. If they try and change that, walk away.
2.They call you names
I cannot count on both hands how many wannabe Dominants have started off with “hey, slut” or something seemingly more innocuous like “hey, pet”. A respectable Dom will ask you what your name is, and then use it. Mister above kept calling me “good girl” and I asked him not to. The only person who gets to call me anything (okay, Kitten) is Wolfie.
3. They talk about owning you
Until you decide to play together, until you decide that your interests, kinks and playing styles match, you are acquaintances or at best, friends. If a Dominant dives in and talks about owning you, it’s because they are desperate for a submissive and any submissive will do. Don’t be that person, you deserve a Dominant who respects your desires and makes you feel worthy of serving them. If they don’t make you feel like a million dollars (without having to spend a million dollars!), they aren’t for you.
4. They talk about sex (before you’ve agreed)
This is one of the biggest signs of a fake Dom – they talk about sex, sex, and only sex. They aren’t really interested in owning you or BDSM, they just want someone who will obey them and help them rock their socks off. Unless you are on porn star wages, you are worth so, so much more than this. Don’t put yourself out there for a thirsty, desperate poser. Block and delete, and wait for the right one to come along.
5. They won’t talk about past experiences/knowledge
If your partner won’t talk about their experiences or knowledge, that should be a red flag because they might not have any. It’s fine to be a newcomer to the community, but be honest about it. You could also ask a prospective partner for feedback from ex play partners, and if they can’t provide any, you may again wish to walk away.
6. Conversely, they brag about past experience/knowledge
BDSM relationships are relationships, and relationships are not tallies. If a potential playmate counts former submissives as a score to show what a great Dom they are, then the chances are good that you’ll be a notch in the bedpost soon, too. Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and as a person worthy of their time. If they try to pressure you into playing with them because they have dozens (or hundreds!) of past experiences, walk away.
A little addition on this point, I once met an “super Dom”, who insisted that he was better than the others because he was more Dominant than them, and there for a “super-Dom”. I have no words but, these people exist.
7. They belittle you, or people you know
On another occasion, I blocked a man for calling Wolfie an “idiot” because I’m more experienced than he is, and I apparently need someone with more experience than Wolfie can offer. Whether a Dominant belittles you for your lack of experience, belittles you because they’re “Dominant” (they aren’t, they’re an asshole) and you’re submissive or puts down the people you know, that is incredibly disrespectful behaviour. Nobody should ever belittle anyone, for anything. You can do much, much better than that.
8. They’re closed off
You ask how long they’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle, they won’t answer. You ask what their favourite activities are, they switch it back and ask what yours are. Any Dominant worth his weight in gold will be absolutely 100% transparent with you from the get-go. You want to know the person you are playing with, and if they withhold too much, you may want to consider playing with someone else.
9. Their actions and words don’t match
They claim to have tonnes of experience with a flogger, but when they pick up a flogger, they have no control over it and land it incorrectly several times. They say they have experience with rope, but they bind your wrists with a double knot. Don’t take words at face value. If something seems off (or even unsafe) about the way a partner plays, stop immediately.
Oh, and it should go without say, but if they ignore a safeword, it’s assault.
10. They talk about switching
I’ve put this one last on my list because it’s not really a marker of a fake Dom, but it may be an indicator of someone who is new, inexperienced or unsure. If a Dominant talks abou serving you, then the chances are that is really what they want – a service Top. It’s fine if you want or are willing to allow that, but if you’re a submissive looking for a Dominant partner, it can be incredibly frustrating to find the Dominant you wanted to dominate you, wants you to dominate them.
The most promenent case of this was the young man I met who called himself a Dominant, but later cooed and and ahhed and admitted he wanted to lick my boots. In another example, I had a would-be Dominant tell me that they don’t like to be choked, but they would make an exception for me. These aren’t things that a “true” Dominant would say, and they aren’t things that a “true” submissive wants to hear, either. A Dominant, a real one with thoughts, knowledge and experiences, knows who they are, knows what they enjoy and does so because they get a sense of satisfaction from leading and taking care of others. If you want to be dominated, make sure you understand that about yourself so that you can be honest with yourself and others.
I hope that this list helps you to be aware of and navigate some of the more dangerous scenarios. Next week, I will be utilising my 3 years as a Domme to talk about some of the signs of a fake submissive.
Over and out, until next time.
Hugs & kinky cuddles,