What’s Up Wednesday: Christmas Wreaths, Catch-Ups, C*nts, Colds & Control

Good afternoon lovelies,

I’ve finally mustered up an ounce of strength to haul my ass out of bed and write for you all. I don’t promise that this What’s Up Wednesday will be the length of some of my other posts, but here we are.

In case you’re wondering, my dearly beloved bought home another stinker of a cold for us to share. I’ll be honest, I never get the flu shot. A cold may wipe me out for a day or two but my immune system is pretty kick-ass and I’m already starting to feel brighter. I managed a shower yesterday, which is something, and I’ve managed to do a smudge of housework today. My normal productivity levels aren’t what they could be, but I’m not down and out, either.

I also felt a little bit better this morning when I received a WhatsApp message from Bill. We planned to catch up about six weeks ago, but nothing really came of it. Now, it’s back on the agenda.

Nothing is concreted yet but it’s always a pleasure to catch up with him. Even if he is one of the meanest loveliest people I have ever met, we really don’t get to see one another enough because of distances and limitations. The Bristol Christmas Market is on at the moment, so it may be a trip to enjoy the lights and take in the festive spirits…. the non-alcoholic ones!

Now, in the spirit of goodwill and peace to all men, I saw a man in need on Whisper the other day. Not the normal.. “erm”.. needs of most of the men on Whisper, but a man who was caught up in an episode of PTSD. Having experienced ‘uncomplicated PTSD’ myself, I messaged him and talked to him, I helped him find ways to feel safe and talk about how he was feeling, and he thanked me, until the next day.

More or less radio silence.

I prompted some gentle, general conversation and asked how he was feeling. and he was doing okay – great!

“U work?”

I explained that I was disabled and he asked for the simplified version of my disabilities. Well readers, the simplified version is this – dodgy back, sober drunk with chronic pain and anxiety. Got that? Good!

Now again, all I got in response to that was a smiley. One. Measley. Smiley, followed my more radio silence.

And that really annoyed me.

As soon as he realised I was disabled and unemployed, it seemed, I was unworthy of his time or attention.

Let me be clear about one thing, I would love to work. In fact, I did for 8 months. As soon as the agency lost their funding for supporting disabled people in employment, the company got shot of me. They made up a whole bunch of untrue claims against me, like that I was unreliable (they called me once and told me not to go in because of heavy snow) and that I was always playing on my mobile phone. I only ever checked my phone when I was out of the office for confidentiality reasons, not more than once or twice per day.

Believe me, I want to work.

Why do you think I run this blog? If I can’t work in paid employment, I at least want to give something back for the benefits that I’m receiving from taxpayer’s. I can give, I’ve just not been given access to suitable work.

So when I’m treated like a burden, a pest, a fault on the system for simply not working, it really angers me.

And when I get angry, I get cold.

“Look, obviously my disabilities have changed how you think and feel about me so I won’t waste any more of your time. Good luck on Whisper, take care and see you around :)”

Block and delete.

From someone he’d been calling a “beautiful creature” 24 hours before, I wasn’t going to waste any more of my time on someone who clearly couldn’t see past my slightly broken body. After I stayed up until 4am talking to him, the least he could do was show me some respect.

Not least, I’d been perturbed by being called a “beautiful creature” anyway. I’m a person, with a name. My name is Elena.

Away from all of these issues, I’ve started putting together a beautiful Christmas wreath in memory of those who won’t be with us this Christmas. No pictures yet, you do realise? It isn’t completed.

It bears a pair of ceramic angel wings, and in front of that is a light gold sequined poinsettia decoration from Gisela Graham. At the top, it has a gold glitter wooden ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, a tribute to those closest to us who won’t be with us this Christmas.

I’m still waiting for some cream baubles to arrive so that I can wire them on. It’s been a tough project to do because it brings home the loss even more this Christmas. As I wired on the ‘Dad’ glitter-word, I muttered to myself,

“I never thought I’d see you on a memorial wreath, yet here we are.”

A painful, heart-wrenching reminder.

Adverts seem to be a lot more painful this year too, and the Dogs’ Trust advert moved me to tears. That cork-terrier encapsulates the personality of the terrier so perfectly, and as a terrier Mum myself it definitely put a lump in my already sore throat.

In case you missed it (NB. Not for the highly sensitive among us):

How anyone could put a terrier out as rubbish is beyond me, and damn Dogs’ Trust for always using broken-haired terriers in their adverts. My broken-haired boy has had more pamperings and snuggles in the past few days than I think he has ever had in one 24 hour period before!

So let’s leave on a high-note, shall we?

Last night, Wolfie and I installed ‘Couple Game’ from the Google app store, and you know what? So far it’s probably been the best and most fun app for us. It kind of acts like a Mr & Mrs quiz game, with different topics that you can answer questions in. If you score more points than your partner, you get to input what you want your prize to be.

“I get pick of the next pub” was Wolfie’s.

Fuck.

We always talk and agree where we’re going, so he’s vetoed my vote for losing the ‘health & hygiene’ category.

I lost, and now I’ve lost control.

Part of me is terrified, even if I trust Wolfie. I’m so used to control, I like having a say, I like having some control.

And now, for our next pub review, I have no control,

At all.

It’s terrifying, but you know what? Giving him this much control is also kinda hot.

I only hope he picks good. After all, His credibility as a decision-maker now relies on it šŸ˜‰

Over and out until next time, folks!

Sniffly yours,

Elena xx

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