Good afternoon lovelies,
Welcome back to another instalment of Talk About.. Tuesday. At the end last week’s post, I promised to talk about some of the signs of a fake submissive. True to my word, I have kept that promise!
Many years ago, way back before I was in a formal relationship with my betrothed, I was a Dominant woman. In that time, I had the pleasure of meeting many men (and some women) who wanted to be Dominated by me.
As a Domme, I was always what is best referred to as a “humiliatrix”, a Dominant woman who specialises in humiliation play. I used to get a huge amount of pleasure particularly from begging, tease and denial and boot worship. At the same time though, I deeply cared about the welfare of any submissive that served me and would check in with them regularly, sometimes even daily, just to let them know that I was thinking of them. As cruel as I can be, it is always done with the best intentions and with pleasure and psychological freedom in mind. I’d be lying if I said even my poor husband hasn’t occasionally succumb to my wicked ways 😉
My trademark icon was my leather boots and if I only had a photograph of them now that I could show you then believe me, I would. They were pointed toe knee high stiletto leather boots with silver studs around the toe and a silver chain on the zip.They were exceptional and I had many off-the-cuff requests from submissives at events for them to be given permission to worship them!
Unfortunately, in my 3 years as a Dominant woman, I also met a number of would-be submissives who were quite clearly only in this lifestyle for themselves. With that in mind, today I want to talk about the top 10 signs of a fake submissive, based purely on my own experience.
- They top from the bottom
They decide when you play, they decide when you don’t. If you suggest a session that is no good for them, they decline. If they suggest something that doesn’t suit you, they get in a mood because you can’t make it. Feelings get hurt and disappointment happens sometimes, but if they act unreasonably, they could be a fake submissive. Other ways include picking out toys for you to use on them (that you didn’t request that they get out) or playing with toys in the hope that you’ll get mad and use them on them. Although some Dominants are more lenient on the last matter, for me, forcing me to play when I’d already said no was a major no-no.
2. They only want what they want
They want some CBT, but you want to practice your ropework? Of course, under normal conditions you could implement some CBT once you have your willing subby tied up, but if they only want the CBT without allowing you to practice your rope, that’s a bad sign. BDSM scenes should be a mutual give and take of trying each others interests. If a submissive refuses to explore your interests (unless they are a genuine hard limit), that’s not good news.
In a more extreme scenario, they may also call everything but their select kinks a hard limit. They like tease and denial but you’d like to give a light flogging? That’s a hard limit for them because it’s not what they wanted. If they call everything but their select interests a hard limit, it is very limiting to explore anything else and so BDSM scenes become stale and mundane very quickly. It’s fine to have hard limits, but they should not be used freely to decline things that simply aren’t our kink. After all, I wouldn’t have discovered my love for being flogged if I’d just said no to it..
3. They may misuse their safeword to get a punishment they want
Okay, so my third and final scenario for this part of my list, they use their safeword to get to a punishment they want. Let’s say your submissive wants a spanking, but you tickle them and they call RED. Confused and panicked, you stop immediately and ask whether they’re okay. They’re fine and carry on acting up. You put them on a time out for 10 minutes to cool down, it’s not a hard limit but they call RED again. Your confused, why do they keep doing this? You stop. They giggle, they’re fine and they carry on acting up. Confused and now slightly annoyed, you give them a swat on the rear. They moan in pleasure and thank you.
In this example, the submissive is misusing the safeword to manipulate a scene. It’s fine to use a variety of gradually escalating punishments to punish a bratty submissive, but misusing a safeword in this way is a major issue. A safe word is there for one reason: To keep you safe.
4. They want more than your time in return for their submission
This a really horrible situation to be in, but it does happen. In this situation, these submissives have a god-like mentality and they believe that they are something to be wanted. If you want to play with them, you have to give them what they want. This isn’t the same as a professional submissive whereby the arrangement is understood as a sort of business transaction, these submissives want to be lavished in gifts and money in return for their obedience. If you don’t spoil them, they regard you as unworthy and will simply stop obeying you. It’s fine to treat a submissive to a gift, but do so on your terms, not theirs.
5. They may threaten to use blackmail
Ho ho, you know, I don’t like to talk badly about ex partners but the chap behind this one was the reason I had to include it. If a submissive tries to blackmail you in any way, get rid of them immediately. In my case, he threatened to post on my Facebook wall and tell people that I liked abusing men unless I “punished him properly”, beat, spat on and humiliated him like he wanted. As I’ve never done beat-downs before, I respectfully declined his request for his own safety. I thought he understood my reasons, but I was wrong and instead he tried to blackmail me with the idea of my family and friends knowing about my kinky nature. At the first sign of manipulative behaviour like this, end it.
6. They may try to annoy you for punishment
I know I’ve mentioned this before on my blog, but there is is a difference between cute bratty behaviour and annoying bratty behaviour, and it’s especially profound in the Cg/l dynamics. It’s fine to be a brat (I am one!) to make a partner smile and laugh, but if they are intentionally trying to annoy you, they are probably trying to stir trouble. I had a first-meet submissive dump out an entire holdall of toys in the street just before we entered an event because he thought it would annoy me enough for me to drag him to the dungeon and punish him immediately. Instead, I packed up my things and left. Not cool, not clever and certainly not okay.
7. They waste your time
This is another one that painfully makes me laugh because really, I should have just told him to go do one. Off of the top of my head, I can count at least 9 times when my shirt-loving submissive and I were going to go shopping for some Mistress-approved shirts that he could wear for work, but then he would back out. We’d rearrange, and he’d back out again. I always put it down to work commitments, but looking back, I really should have seen it that he wasn’t as interested as he led me to believe. If this happens to you, put a stop to it. You deserve someone who is as committed to you as you are to them.
8. They just make you feel uneasy
This should be the most obvious one of all. Whether it be because they make you feel unsafe or you just don’t feel good around them, just the same as any other relationship, if a submissive doesn’t vibe with you, release them. You are not obligated to keep them. Regardless of what stories they tell you, they can go on to find more satisfying, meaningful relationships with people who are better suited to them, and quite often manage it, too. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you happy because there will always be someone else who might.
9. They ask for sexual favours before you’re ready
A mini horror story to warm you up, I once met J, a would-be submissive of mine, in a Starbucks. We talked a little over coffee, but more than anything he really loved my boots (I told you they were good!) and wanted permission to go into the toilets and masturbate over the thought of them. I felt uneasy at that request so I said maybe as it gave me some time to think, but five minutes later, he asks again. He proceeded to tell me how hard he was and how much pre-cum he was leaking just looking at them. At this point, I was positively horrified, but I said yes. No sooner as I saw the lock on the disabled toilet go from white to red, I made my escape. i bumped into him a few months later at an event and he said he’d only gone for a pee, but I think we both knew otherwise and neither of us have spoken since.
Dominant men and women are not prostitutes, and if all a submissive wants is someone to take control of their orgasms, they’ve probably watched or read too much pornography.
10, They live in a fantasy
I’ve saved the best for last for you guys, but this is my absolute horror story. I met a young man, about 4 years older than I was, who wanted to be my submissive switch boyfriend. Well, I was single so I thought hey, I’ll consider it. On our first meet, I realised that conversation was hardly flowing and he had really, really bad breath, but maybe he was just shy the first time and so I met him again. He mentioned marriage, on our SECOND date! He also bought a dog collar with him and wanted me to collar him in public besides the river! He then proceeded to call me Mistress at every opportunity, knelt in front of me at the bus stop and shouted “bye, Mistress!” from the bus as he left. Thought that was the end of him? Me too, except he tracked all of my forum posts for a further 18 months and refused to believe me when I said that we were over. It took the threat of a restraining order to get him to leave me alone!
Guys, this scenario screams so much no. He wanted to be my submissive boyfriend and he wanted to become my submissive husband. He wanted all of this with a Dominant woman that he didn’t know and had only just met. That is how people end up in all kinds of predicaments. You want a submissive who has their head screwed on and is capable of rational thought. That, quite clearly, wasn’t him.
Spotting The Newbie VS The Fake Submissive
It’s important to note that everybody in the BDSM lifestyle starts somewhere and not everyone who commits a faux pas is a fake submissive. Some people are genuinely new, inexperienced and eager to learn, and that’s great. When I started out as a Dominant woman, I turned up at an event, PVC-clad and armed with a riding crop ready to swat a naughty subby like a fly. I learned quite quickly about some of the more naunced details of being a Dominant woman in the BDSM scene. Let me say first-hand, we all start somewhere!
The big difference is a willingness and an eagerness to learn. Upon learning to practice flogging and ridding crops on a pillow, I beat my pillow until I was satisfied that I could repeatedly and consistently land a flogger on the same line, and with the same amount of pressure. It’s fine to take on a newcomer submissive, but if they aren’t coming at the BDSM lifestyle with an open mind and a level of respect, the dynamic may struggle to go very far.
I hope this post helps you and I hope you have a long and wonderful journey. I’m pleased to say that most people in the BDSM community are warm, genuine and very friendly people, but sadly there are always the odd one or two who will ruin it for everyone else.
Have fun and remember, stay safe 🙂
Hugs & kinky cuddles,
(Formerly Mistress) Elena xx