If you follow me on Fetlife then you may have read my story, I Need Someone, where I wrote about needing someone, needing a consistent Dominant partner in the BDSM lifestyle. I’ve come to realise that for me, this is far from some sexual or romantic connection, this is pure, unadulterated, psychological need.
On Monday, grief for my Dad hit me hard and unexpectedly. There was no real reason for it, it just happened. I was changing the bedsheets when it caught me, a full right hook, straight across the cheek.
In the days since, I’ve felt it in my shoulders. Tension, stress, anxiety. I need it beaten out of me. I’m angsy and angry, I’ll take on the world until I am bought to my knees.
I’m so in control, that in an odd way, I need to lose control again. I need to feel again.
I’m picking fights with people, not real fights, but I’m tormenting the people I normally respect. I’m unstoppable, I’m in control, and there is nobody above me. Nobody who’d dare to challenge me.
The contrary is that I don’t want this, I don’t want control. I have control, but I don’t want it. Now that I have it, I want to surrender it to someone else, someone who can handle it, someone that I deem worthy.
This, perhaps, is part of the reason I act up. My acting up is not merely part of the way that I am, It’s goading, enticing, encouraging. It’s a signal that I want to lose control, I need to lose control and I believe that those I torment can handle me.
So show me.