When A Submissive Won't Be Tamed

Last night, I stood in the doorway, arms folded and my foot against the frame. I was in one of those moods.

It followed on from my chat with MasterLogan about world domination. I knew what I’m like, and I knew that anyone who throws down the guantlet with me is usually biting off much more than they can chew.

“You’re a Sam” Wolfie laughed.

“A What?”

“SAM.”

It took a few seconds, but the connection was finally made. A SAM, A Smart-Assed Masochist. I chuckled.

Pretty much.

The truth is I am, but then I’m not. Not really.

For me, and women (and men) like me, much more of it has to do with who we are and the way that we are. We’re used to control and we like control, but we also want to lose it. We just don’t want to hand it over too willingly.

Think of it this way, let’s use a chocolate cake analogy. You can have a chocolate cake, fine, it’s on the side and it’s yours for eating. But what if, after a brisk walk around the block, you could have a chocolate cake topped with ganache and chocolate curls? What would you do?

You’d take the walk.

Our submission is the same.

You can have an obedient, compliant submissive if you like, that’s fine, but we’re a little something extra. We’ve got fire in our bellies. That fighter spirit may be used to fight you, but once we’re yours we’ll use it to fight for you, too.

Don’t you want that? Don’t you want a submissive who will go life and limb for you?

That’s what you’d be getting.

I almost laughed when Master Logan mentioned that the willing come quickly and quietly. As I said to Wolfie, I may not come quickly, but nor do I come quietly.

Just ask the neighbours.

Okay, it’s time to open up with you all about something.

It took me many, many years to be able to reach orgasm with a partner. On my own terms, I was absolutely fine, but with someone else, it wouldn’t happen.

For me, orgasm was the same as losing control, and I couldn’t lose control. Control needed to be taken from me. The only person ever brave enough, willing enough and tenacious enough to step up and see it through to taking control from me, was Wolfie.

The first time he took me there, I shut down on him. I never wanted to come again!

I’ve changed my mind since then, but for me, it’s still about control, and a loss of control.

Yeah, I admit it, I frequently quote it:

Oh I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.

Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey

But there was the damning thing. Inside me, at my core, I wanted to lose control so, so, so desperately. I’d just lost control, and I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about it.

Wolfie enjoys the challenge, I know he does, he’s told me he does. Every single damn day, I challenge him, I challenge him to be a better version of himself, but at the same time I support him and encourage him to grow. I’ll fight him, but I’ll also fight for him. I may talk and flirt, but I won’t stray. I’m loyal.

Wolfie also has no desire to tame me. Wolfie doesn’t want a compliant, meek submissive. He loves the challenge almost as much as I love challenging him.

Almost.

“Daddy, fight me” I growled.

“No, that’s what you want” he laughed.

“FIGHT ME!!”

“No..”

“Dang it! Why won’t you at least get mad or something?! Get mad!” I stropped.

He refused.

“This is the worstest punishment eberty, the WORSTEST!”. I even threw a pillow at him for added emphasis. A duck-feather full stop to finalise my statement.

“Now now, that’s not nice, is it?” he teased.

I collapsed on the bed and sighed. There it was, the feeling that I’d been craving for oh so long. Freedom. Peace. Surrender.

No. Not yet. Fight it.

“Get mad then!” I growled, pulling my weight back onto my elbows.

“No..”

“Fine, then you get the worstest punishment ever, too” I said, pulling my pillows to the furthest side of the bed and hogging all of the duvet. When he left his pillows unattended, i stole one of them too. With a pile of 3 pillows and a 13.5 tog duvet to myself, I sighed contentedly.

“Okay fine, you win.” he said coolly.

Wait, what?

“Keep them, they’re yours.” he said.

“But I don’t want them now” I said, I didn’t see that move coming!

No, no. You win. Kitten wins” he said dismissively.

“Daddy no, I don’t want them now. Have one!” I insisted, attempting to force the pillow back under his neck.

For me and submissives like me, being broken and trained is both appealing and scary. The idea of losing our freedom of thought is frightening, and yet a curious mind has to wonder if anyone could manage it without beating us to a bloodied pulp. Could we be, dare I say it, tamed?

I think a large part of that taming comes actually in embracing us as we are and not trying to mould us into something you want us to be. Perhaps really this should be true of any BDSM relationship, and yet sadly I believe there is enough misinformation out there that some people really do believe people can be trained like pets. This is wrong, you should love your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be. Always.

Submission should be from the heart, it should be a gift. Just because I wrote yesterday that I need more than the occasional sensual BDSM scene, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to submit to my husband. I am submissive to him because he accepts me and embraces me. He allows me to be me and take on the world, safe in the knowledge that when I’ve had my fill of wearing my big girl shoes, he will always be ready for me to come home to.

10 thoughts on “When A Submissive Won't Be Tamed

  1. I read your post and in so many ways, we are alike haha. I am the Sassy Sub and though I can be sweet, I have a bit of a bite. While most people have to deal with the sassy side of me, my Dom gets both the sass and the sensitive side of me. I am completely loyal to him. He doesn’t try to change who I am, but he does want me to become the best version of me so he’ll help me break down the emotional barriers that hold me back.

    I think most people only think of sex when it comes to a Dom/sub relationship, but it’s so much more. A real Dom cares for you and your Dom becomes like your confidant. While he enjoys degrading and humiliating me, he also looks out for my emotional and physical needs. I always tell him that I’ll forever be his sub.

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    1. Absolutely! I’ve met so many online ‘Doms’ and the first thing they jump into is sex. It’s not like that at all, as you so correctly say, it’s emotional and psychological. I can be raw around my husband, I can show weakness, stress and vulnerability.

      Yesterday my mother shared a video on Facebook of my father in obvious pain, two months before he passed away. Around anyone else I would just be quiet and off, but around my husband I can ugly cry. There isn’t much sexy about that!

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      1. I’m sorry to hear about your father.

        My Dom is the only one knows my real identity and all the details of how I had been abused and raped by an ex. He’s had to bear with the negative impact it’s had on me and also help me cope with it a bit better. He’s the first person that I had been really raw with about it. Most people would run in other direction because they’d now see me as damaged goods. However, he showed anger toward my rapist and support for me instead. It’s one reason why I’m so loyal to him. He knows about the emotional wounds that I harbor and still cares for me.

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      2. I’m so sorry, but unfortunately, I do understand.

        I was sexually assaulted by a man more than twice my age when I was 16 and he threatened to rape me nearly a year into my relationship, because I had a boyfriend and was no longer scared of him. My husband has always vowed to castrate him with a pair of bricks if we ever chance upon him, so yes, I do understand Dominants being a bit protective of what’s theirs!

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      3. Yes! My Dom tells me that a true Dom is a bit possessive, but not to the point where they start to isolate you from the world. He says that because of the 50 Shades franchise more men think that they can be “Doms” and have a rather skewed image of what it really means. In their head, it looks more similar to manipulation and abuse rather than actually dominating their sub.

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      4. Absolutely! There are a lot of bits from the movie that are similar to us (including that I’m most definitely not afraid to give my husband attitude!) but yes, stalking, regulated foods etc… it’s all way too much, The fantasy of surrendering complete control is great for an hour or two, but the reality can become very scary, very fast.

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      5. Since my Dom and I are long distance so there’s been no possibility of complete control haha. But if things become too much, he always tells me that I need to just be honest with him.

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      6. It’s the best thing for it. My husband always tells me that I’m his wife first and submissive second. He doesn’t want me to be afraid to speak to him as his wife because of a rule I have as his submissive.

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